"Are you Winter?"

Date: 28.11.2009
Time: 10:20 a.m.

I asked for you the moment you were gone
You stayed back awhile, pondering perhaps,
Only to come laden with the hopes of Spring —
A return as short as season itself
Which so readily gave way to Summer.
I still asked, “Are you Winter?”
The scorching sun burned me in reply.

The year rolled by and I waited,
Waited for you to show some signs of existence,
Some signs of your return?
I had almost forgotten the feel
Of your electrifying touch on my skin —
How I’d feel your presence with every gusty wind
That blew across from you to me!

You made a woman wait, or hush!
Am I even a woman, or just a child who never grew up?
A child, who never stopped loving the warmth
That arose within as a rejoinder to your chill?
There are no snow-covered peaks where I live,
Yet I have terrace-tops from where I can sing,
Sit on a water tank, and be glad of the joy it brings.

I should have liked to jump delightedly
From one terrace-top to another,
Soar and exclaim the news of your arrival
Feeling nothing short of sheer bliss!
But we men and women have become unkind
For our terraces no longer entwine
And our buildings grow apart as do our hearts.

Winter! O Winter! Are you back as they all claim?
Sweet season, will you suffuse your characteristic cold,
While the heat of a warm heart still remains?
Will you bring those warm hearts closer or make them colder still?
But answer me, first, pray, “Are you Winter?”
Or are you just a figment of my dreamy soul,
As you were when I asked last Spring?

Winter! Love! Let not my passion drive you away —
It is through passion that I was born,
And only the most fervent passion that grips my soul
Can be the one which makes me die!
Stay, please! And love me the only way you can,
Surround my soul with your coldness
And let me thaw your defences from within.

Let me admire you in all your glory —
The glory of a landscape touched by your light,
Frail and dry from the outside, but teeming within with life,
I will become that little girl once again
Who would glide gracefully in the air,
Immersed in happiness that only a child can know,
Singing of Winter, in a land without snow.

End: 10:55 a.m.

A Window to my World [VIII]

It would have been fun, and a departure from what I usually do when writing, to start this post with a quotation, but I truly cannot remember any at the moment. I've always been good at remembering the gist of things, never caring much for the exact words that people say (unless I absolutely want to, that is). Ah well, it works for me.

In any case, it has definitely been a while since I did one of my Window posts and today's amusement and (almost?) misadventures definitely merit a mention! Of course the day did start with The Curse of The Clumsy Hand, "wherin doth sit the dread and fear of" semi-blindness caused by a slight redness in the eye, which lead to me not wearing my contacts and fumbling for my sunscreen and accidentally dropping the container, incidentally made of glass on the floor. It had a lot of sunscreen left and I was rather heartbroken.

And then, while en route to college, an ambassador came and hit our car. I have a nagging illogical suspicion at the back of my head that this occurred because of my presence inside the car. Seeing how accident prone I have been throughout the day, I wouldn't doubt it. From the fact that I have posted here you can tell that the accident was nothing major... for us, at least. The poor car now has a rather badly battered bumper. I don't know why, but I feel very sorry for vehicles that suffer accidents. I remember once when I had been riding my bicycle and had had a speeding motorcycle take a turn from the wrong side of the road and collide with me, I was more saddened by the deplorable state of my much adored bike than the numerous cuts and bruises on myself. Oh and I also remember being annoyed at onlookers for peering at me as though I were bacteria growing on a petri dish... and waiting for me to cry, which I didn't! Ha!

I had fun at college today. Classes started a period later than usual so we were free to loll about in the canteen. It was there that I found myself getting increasingly obsessive about Tunir maa. Now before you start wondering about my inclinations, let me clarify that Tunir maa is a hit single from Bangladesh — with peppy "keora" music and rapping to boot! No, this is not a joke. It has one of the most profound lyrics possible — the tale of a young man (who happens to be a bit of a loafer but who are we to judge?) waiting to be noticed by his Lady Love, who has been disdainfully "dating marchhe"-ing other people but not noticing our young lovelorn hero...

And so, he embarks on a quest to win over his Lady Love by singing a "keora" song to his Lady Love's mother, promising her supari and paan, while dreaming of taking his Lady Love to a place where ice-cream and jhaal muri will be cheap. Now did I not tell you that it is profound? Thankfully the said protagonist was not pursuing me, since my mother most certainly would not have been swayed over to the other side by promises of supari and paan and the poor guy would have had to start singing sad simpering songs to convey his rejection. What a pity!

Now I cannot remember much of what happened during classes, owing mainly to the fact that I was terribly hungry throughout the day, but I do remember PB untying the knot at the back of my T-shirt (much to my embarrassment and displeasure) while I was walking towards the first class. And yes, she and RD and also threatened to molest me several times during the day! PB even went as far as to untie that particular knot yet again in the Metro station while we were returning home. Now while I have no qualms about my harem ladies being available to me whenever I require their services, I do not quite enjoy being subject to molestation on their part.

Another thing which had had me really intrigued was that I'd noticed Moods condoms being sold on the streets for the very first time. That this is a rather sad fact which proves me to have the maturity of a six-year-old was brought to my notice by Kaz, who very casually mentioned that condoms are sold everywhere and that I am a baby for noticing this for the first time. Let's just say that the thrill of knowledge and insight that I had experienced upon learning that condoms are sold by vendors who sell chocolates and deodorants and cigarette lighters was unceremoniously squashed. In the words of the KazMan, "Hey people do it, you know? These things are sold everywhere." When I offered to venture that I had seen them being sold in medicine shops, I was faced with an amused condescending chuckle. Why is it that boys always know so much about these matters?

However, as the evening draws to a close, I feel the contentment that a stomach filled with satisfyingly sumptuous masala corn (made by me) can bring to the soul. I am not even tempted to spoil my mood by being annoyed at the laundry lady for botching up the job of ironing a new top of mine. All is well when your stomach is full, it seems, oh yes! Tune in till next time, folks, it's LD out for now!

Road To Wonderland

Date: 07.11.2009

Time: 10:25 p.m.

Fairy tales had always been such an important part of my childhood! Now don’t get me wrong, I am well acquainted with the rituals of reality to know that they are far from true. However, I always did have a world where I was free to be free and that is a choice I am grateful to have been given.

I believe it was my grandfather who first introduced me to the magic that lay in stories —where the rules of the real world did not always have to be followed. Monkeys and crocodiles could have meaningful business transactions just as easily as you and I, and you could always tell the antagonist apart from his or her cold calculating laugh. There were rules, yes, but most of the time, these were simple and more importantly, followed. You knew that the truth would triumph in the end, something that is in stark contrast to what happens in real life.

But then, I digress. What made me pause and wonder this evening was not how the world of fairy tales and children’s imagination lived by its ethical code, but whether I, given the right time and place, would also be able to offer another new soul a chance to discover the joys of the magical world that I loved so.

I was lucky enough to have people at home who would read to me as a child, people who would not think twice about letting text books lie unattended while letting me pore over brightly coloured skies — some of which were painted on paper and others painted in my mind. A good bedtime story was not just a way to get me to fall asleep, but the path to a mind that stayed rich and open while I dreamt of faraway lands. And not surprisingly, it was not long before I would spend many an hour by myself, lost in beautiful worlds yet to be seen by my eyes. These were worlds where I was free to decide how people laughed, how they saw life and how they cried. I loved it. I still do.

Yet, when I recall how everything started I can’t help but marvel at the charm that the talented storytellers of my early days possessed. To take a child and weave a whole new perspective for her to immerse herself in is no mean feat! This is especially true if the specimen concerned is one like me, with the tendency to get much too easily bored… and distracted.

I wonder then, if I will be able to carry on this fair tradition when my time comes. Will I remember the stories my grandfather told? Or will they be erased by time as I grow old?

End: 10:50 p.m.

And When...

Date: 06.11.2009
Time: 11:05 p.m.

And when an idle breeze is enough to make you fall
And when you feel too helpless to even scream
And when sullen skies stay severely soiled
And when words become enemies for they don't rhyme
When a whisper takes you back in time
To a distant past wrapped up in memory's foil,
How do you stop yourself from being embroiled
In the mousetrap life has set for you?

And when the trees flame red instead of green
And when you let burning branches scrape your knees
And when you want fresh scars to cover ones that can't heal
And when hope is wrapped up as chocolate you can't eat
When time is too short for you to complete
The argument being replayed inside your head,
How do you stop yourself from being rewound
As the damaged tape that never ends?

And when the happiest dawn is lost to a teary dusk
And when purple is gone and you have grey to fear
And when the floods wash away the numbness you love
And when the injury you thought had healed reappears
When the birds mourn the arrival of spring
Only to sing brightly when the forest is burnt,
How do you fix a world upside down
And learn to breathe in life once again?

End: 11:20 p.m.

Champagne Supernova

I went home directly after college ended after a very long time. Now for me to explain why that is significant would most certainly take an immensely long time, however, to cut a long story short, it was because I was involved in a college theatre production.

For quite some time it had become a daily ritual for all of us to assemble near the auditorium and chill out for a moment or two before practice started in earnest. It was fun. Lots of fun, and now that our shows (which were greatly enjoyed by everyone) have ended, it is as though a vacuum has settled into our lives. Today, a part of our massive group had gathered in the canteen before classes started and all we could say to each other was, "You zast don't know it! Zanti paro na!"

It is weird to think that all of us won't be creating chaos en masse or hollering loudly the way we had grown so used to any more. I'd done my share of complaining about the late hours and the toll everything was taking on my health. Still, I know I'm not the only one who will miss every moment of Practice. Sigh.

On a brighter note, I've been in high spirits (no pun intended) throughout the day! It was with a bubbly phone conversation that I started my day and not even the sudden thundershower could dampen my cheerfulness. Although I have ample reason to be annoyed with most members of the male species for their horrible hobbies of randomly linking people up for the heck of it, today has been a good day.

It was great to have the professor who was taking the first class of the day congratulate us about our performance. The random hilarity that followed next can be recalled only with the widest of grins! There was this terribly obscene song I heard today regarding the gluteus maximus that I took great pleasure in singing to MMM. The poor girl tried to seek comfort from DM, but she joined in as well and we both had great fun as our singing was accompanied by rather rude pointed gestures. It was insanely hilarious!

Apart from that I believe I gave RD a fake hickey by scribbling on her arm with a purple pen. She tried very hard to remove the doodles and ended up looking as though someone had given her arm a lot of attention (evil grin). After seeing this, I'd also wanted to doodle near her neck, but sadly, she wouldn't let me. During break I ate up all the cheese sandwiches that BC (that does not stand for what you perverts think!) had brought for tiffin. And I think that I was very randomly mad throughout the day, so much, in fact that a classmate commented that she hadn't seen me in such a bright mood for a really long time. For some reason though, I can't remember all my crazy activities clearly enough.

Oh but what I do remember is gorging on street food with friends after classes ended! We had everything from aloo chaat to jhaal muri to golgappas to kulfis to multicoloured candy floss! If I'd had chocolates as well I'm sure be on a sugar high right now. In any case, the lot of us really enjoyed ourselves even though we missed going for Practice.

I didn't pay any attention in any of my classes today and was totally zoned out. But the good part was that I had lots of fun. I guess that sometimes it is alright to simply live in the moment after all!

As The Season Speaks

The morning says that winter may have arrived, or in the least, is slowly creeping towards our lives. The scorching summer afternoon has been washed away by the rains and what is left now is the soft tender touch of the cold about to greet us in the coming months. There is a lot of life to see yet, and as I feel the need to live more strongly everyday, each passing season breathes its own elixir into my being.

The truth is that rediscovering yourself takes time. It does not happen in a month, or perhaps even a year. And at times you do feel that you just hit the same roadblock yet again. Then again, all I have to do to let my soul sing synchronously with the universe is to just let it be... It does not take that much effort to feel after all!

Oddball Eccentricities

Date: 17.10.2009
Time: 5:55 p.m.

I suffer not, I tell you, from unrequited love
More inclined to die from stomach cramps, am I
And while I wilt with the wind blowing on a hot summer day
I will walk against a storm in peace.

Without a worthy adversary to take my boredom away
I may laze in the sun all day
And though a few stray challenges may come by my way
They shall have naught the power to sway.

My love for the world is unsettled enough
For me to curse and admire both
I may charm and be charmed and be equally at ease
With kindness and ferocity.

I wonder most about the light,
What lets the moon be so alluringly bright!
About the shimmering waves and the ships they crunch,
And the ice-cream that I may have had for lunch…

My tastes aren’t simple at all, to say the least
And while they do change with my many eccentricities
I am content enough to face writer’s block
Until a day comes when my world is rudely stopped.

And as I write to distract myself from pain
The simplest of facts does indeed remain —
There was no need for this mischievous dove
To begin this tale with a mention of love.

End: 6:20 p.m.

Dreamy Interlude

Date: 15.10.2009
Time: 11:30 p.m.

You might find trinkets lying about
Cluttered dutifully inside my head,
Colours swarming into souls
Collected gladly and easily bled -
Each vision a spectacle of light
Each memory a triumph of sight,
By nightfall it always seems sure
To be with me for evermore.

I sing along to an amethyst's tune
And let it enchant the purple in me,
Soak my soul with wanderlust raw
Only to yearn my utmost to be free
I lose my mind over motorbike boots
Lose my heart to forbidden fruits
Dance along to Calypso's beat
The moon bearing witness to my defeat.

So I place my soul in the hands of midnight
And stare away into the moonlight
Swayed by a soothing sonata
That gushes into a quivering toccata!
My thoughts blend gracefully into notes
As my heart rises and gleefully floats
The music filling chasms within my soul
And healing and making me whole.

End: 00:30 p.m.

Write

There is no need. Absolutely no need. None at all. At this moment when I let words flow from my fingertips instead of my lips, I know that there is no need for anything else. People can knock on as many doors as they would like, be as boorish as possible and break them down if they'd like, but no, it would not matter.

For I can write. And I will write. Someway or another.

Phlegmatic Discourse

Date: 13.09.2009
Time: 12:55p.m.

Life without the Internet is, in short, harrowing. For a person who would spend all her evening hours from seven to twelve online on a daily basis, fighting for Internet time with too-Internet-savvy-for-their-own-good family members can hardly be called light evening entertainment. Add to that mix a mother who insists that she will look you up on Facebook, and a father who refuses to let you get a net connection of your own but will disrupt the little time that you do get online and what you get is irritation of epic proportions – such great proportions that you stop going online at all and let the blog of your life remain uncared for and unattended for months.

And then there are the viruses. I get sick at this time of the year every single year. It is as though the viruses regard my body cells as their perfect pre-Puja holiday destination. After about a week of keeping me very ill, when they find that their welcome has turned cold, they are chased away by bed-rest, only to return the next year with equal enthusiasm.

This year there are mid-terms as well, and I won’t bring the issue of how many marks they are for so that my blood pressure remains under control. Yes, college has been giving me hypertension ever since the new management took over and insisted upon inflicting a ridiculous number of even more ridiculous rules upon us students. Dreary, the experience has been, and I cannot wait for the few years that are left to be over soon.

There is an exam tomorrow, of course. Otherwise I would certainly not have been so desperate to write as to break my over-a-month-long vow of literary silence. Not that it was voluntary, but well, I don’t feel like uploading my blog much using Opera Mini, that’s all. It is not as much fun as the ‘normal’ way when I would get to respond to comments and browse through other blogs as much as I’d wanted. Sigh.

I’ve decided to bake lots of chocolate cake during the holidays. I will be trying to bribe my father with these so that he’ll be more amenable to me getting my own net connection (which I will insist on paying for) so that I am given the privacy to work in peace. I hope my plan works! Till then, it is back to Immunology. LD out!

End: 1:10 p.m.

PS: My birthday (about a month back) was loads of fun! It was much, much better than last year’s when I had a raging temperature on the day itself. I had a great time, was treated like royalty by loved ones, pampered as hell (a rarity, that) and wasn’t much too bothered by what I could not have. :D Since I couldn’t update last month, I’ll do it now as I want there to be a reminder. :]

Moonstruck

Date: 04.07.2009
Time: 7:25 p.m.

On a darkened leaden evening
As I looked out through a two-way glass
A lidded moon stared back through the clouds
And drew my heart away from the earth
I noticed the star perched above
A streaming mass of white
And wondered why I was anywhere but
A rooftop, watching it smile
All pangs of hunger lay forgotten
With supper getting cold
As I wished to engage in a sprightly dance
Before it glowed bright gold.

Could it be, could it be
Did I fly with the breeze
Did I twirl with my feet upon clouds?
Did I breathe, did I breathe
As my heart sang with such ease
And I felt icicles tickling my toes?
Was it love, was it hope
Was it a dream where the moon spoke
Had the cloud-horses really traipsed across the sky?
Was it me, was it me
Who glided forward with such glee
Sliding off the back of a moonstruck doe?

I dare not shut my eyes now for fear
As I do not want this gleaming vision to disappear
But I am back on my knees, peering out through the trees
Hoping for another magical two-way glass.

End: 7:50 p.m.

The Passing

Date: 17.06.2009
Time: 6:05 p.m.

The sounds emitted by my lips
Are mute when it comes to pain
I sneer at the storm which lashes within
And regard it with disdain
The gale threatens to knock down walls
Imposed by my bitter pride
It only echoes my insolent rage
Not the cold resolve I hide
I’ve masked the pain in hidden rhymes
Scribbled despair into ink
Moulded sorrow into lines and hashes
Which form figures on the brink,
I sat by the shore yesterday
Reading his last words to me
My eyes were red but dry as I recalled
How he was lost to the sea
I fear not gusts that spray my sails
With watery wreaths of death
Nor do I dread the chill that descends
When waves chafe against my breath
I know I shall be swallowed soon…
Before the last raindrop falls
To become a part of a common graveyard
And answer my lover’s call.

End: 7:00 p.m.


PS: I started out with a few words in my head and came up with this. I don't think I've posted fictional poetry here before, have I? Something different, something new for the blog then! :)

Cracked Up (Coloured)

This would be the first time I have tried colouring anything in Photoshop... And I dare say it does not look bad at all. No, it wasn't done today, in fact, I'd meant to upload it last month itself but not having a net connection most of the time played spoilsport.

I'm feeling a little ambitious right now so yes, people, prints are available if you're interested! (This one is smaller than the original). Drop in a comment and I'll tell you how to contact me. And since I get a copy of all comments delivered to an old mailbox (unless it acts up, of course) you can also leave your email address and delete the comment if you're concerned about privacy. :)

I'd made another pen and ink doodle a few days back but I'll wait for my best friend's exams to get over so that I can have it scanned instead of just taking a stupid picture using a low-res camera. Sniff. How I long for so many things! Oh well.

Faith

Date: 15.06.2009
Time: 10:00 p.m.

It’s been a good two years
And friend, I wish you well
Wherever you go,
Wherever you dwell
You’ve stood by strange times
And a sinking ship full of sorrows
It’s now time to part ways
With our mingled ’morrows
Yet, although our paths seem
Destined to diverge
I have faith that we’ll find
A way to make them converge
From this point, my friend,
We’ll no longer depend
On that which is audible
To understand or comprehend,
For the tangible ties
Are all we have left
And feel them strongly, we must
Ere there be any cleft
Between our entwined souls
Shared with all sympathy
Joined in the most beautiful bond
Of a friend’s empathy,
It is hardest to let go
When you know things will change
But whether it is for the better
Is within our hands to arrange
It’s been a good two years
And friend, I wish you well
I’ll keep you in my thoughts
Wherever you dwell.

End: 10:10 p.m.

A Fool's Luck

Date: 29.05.2009
Time: 5:58 p.m.

Things have not been going particularly well. The last few months have been strange and hard and there have been changes at home. A cyclone had come by our place, not recently, but two months ago. We are one member short now and although everyone is going about their lives as best as they can, the house does feel a lot more empty. It’s indeed funny how one occupied corner could make it look fuller.

In any case, my luck cycle is at its all time low and I don’t recount a previous occasion when it had been this bad for such a long stretch of time. I have grumbled a lot and been annoyed at many people for numerous reasons. The strangest thing, however, is how wondrously so many threads that I held securely in my palm once upon a time, have disintegrated and left behind only dust. And I don’t know if that is a situation where the blaming game has any role to play.

There is one relationship that I thought absolutely secure as a child, which is growing steadily worse. New strength and ties have been discovered in another, yet there are so many other ties that reek only of disappointment. I am not sure if it is wrong to expect a certain level of respect and understanding. Maybe it is; which is why those closest to me disappoint me so. I guess I hope for too much.

On a comparatively less grave note, the lizard problem plaguing me has reached such a high that there are too many of them now for me to be scared. I have taken to watching them idly when I am reclining on the rocking chair in one room, or a sofa in another. Just this evening, I was aimless enough to watch an adult lizard await its lady (or should it be ‘lizardly’?) love outside a bookshelf crevice close to the ceiling. I am certain that this occupation would not have arisen had I not had so many examinations to sit for.

Speaking of which, a part of today’s torture session left me with the desire to curse my torturer with the most prolonged and painful death. However, I would rather not dwell on this debacle for there are certainly many more to come. Perhaps relief will show itself one fine rainy day when I truly get to believe that all will be well. It’s back to the grind till then.

End: 6:19 p.m.