For Want of Some Sleep

I am utterly exhausted today. It could be because of some of the numbness lifting slightly to let me feel something. I just need some serene sleep, that is undisturbed and peaceful so that my mind can recuperate and heal a bit.

Pulling myself together will take some time, and I'm well aware of the effort required, but yes, I shall be trying. Till then, I have "Shuddh Hindi" to comfort me. And if I get bored or fed up by that I can always switch to another language. Laughter really is the best thing around.

Some Comforts in the Dark

Sitting quietly in the balcony, wrapped up in a blanket in the stifling summer heat while there’s a power-cut is fairly pleasant. Listening to the most loser-ish playlist possible while being treated as an evening treat by mosquitoes is even nicer. Oh don’t worry, there is no trace of sarcasm in this. The evening breeze and whatever little I could see of the sky kept me calm enough to appreciate the darkness that surrounded me. It was beautiful in an almost sinfully alluring way. I suppose it’s a good thing that I’m not new to all of this. At least this way I can convince myself to get used to the urge to be electrocuted.

I am actually amused by my state of mind. It is good to know that trusty solitude will not abandon me in my time of need, very comforting indeed, mainly since I seem to have tear ducts which just won’t operate, even when I need them to.

The Stupid Recollections Tag

Life Ten Years Ago: was weird. I don’t know how to put it. The year exactly ten years ago was a nightmare, which I wouldn’t want to recall and I’m not one for nostalgia anyway. Still, things being ‘normal’ involved me getting used to a new baby in the house. I remember being fascinated with its tiny hands and feet, its whining, its ability to draw everyone’s attention towards itself, and also its rapid growth rate. Most of it was fun, apart from the diaper-changing, that is. Ten years back, however, it wasn’t that big an issue. The kid had been potty-trained.

I’m not too fond of how I used to behave in public places. I was way too honest and outspoken, and was just as likely to tell someone, “I think you’re being very stupid” if I felt so as I was to say, “I think that is really good.” So it isn’t too surprising that I wasn’t liked much by my peers. Nobody likes frankness, you see. Anyway, I don’t like musing over memories.

Life Five Years Ago: was strange, again. There’s a reason I hate these “looking back” tags. They make me seem like the protagonist in a dark comedy. I was trying to get used to a good friend’s absence, my first ‘real’ friend. It took me a while to find my bearings after she moved to another city. I suppose I’d overreacted back then, I’m not really sure. But oh well.

Five years ago, I was also quite busy rebelling against a lot of things, being a girl, for instance. I was a big-time tomboy who hated anything “girly”, had cropped hair and wouldn’t be caught dead in anything other than a pair of jeans and baggy “tent-like” T-shirts. I’d still be found bossing around the younger kids in the building complex (yes, there used to be many, then), roller-skating down the stairs and nearly breaking my wrist (I just tore a muscle), speeding on the streets on my bicycle and scaring old gentlemen, and saving up on cash given to me for transportation purposes by walking or riding my bike. I’d spend it all on ice-creams.

Oh and I think that was around the time when the singing stopped. Permanently. I got immersed into hard rock and started spending more and more time alone and withdrawn.

Life Tomorrow: will continue to be strange, with extreme lows and moments of maddening euphoria since I can’t seem to be able to get used to the fact there are certain things I should learn to live without.

Five Locations I would like to Run Away To: any place which is biting cold and has a splendid view of the mountains. I don’t know. I usually don’t “run away”. But if there was a place where I could find some comfort in my surroundings, it would be Darjeeling. I just want mountains.

Five Bad Habits I Have: It’s actually quite difficult to restrict myself to just five. I’m not my favourite person, you see. He he he. Oh well, here goes:
1. I am extremely lazy and an awful little gambler when it comes to my life. Procrastination is my middle name, and I could claim to have an extremely high IQ, if the ‘I’ were to stand for ‘indolence’.
2. I am extremely quick tempered and get very impatient with incompetence of any sort.
3. I have practically no social skills. Nil. For instance, I could ignore a friend completely and concentrate only on eating my chocolate pastry without even bothering to speak to the friend. Yes, I have done that. And I still eat like a sloppy six-year-old. Meh.
4. I am aloof and reserved, and am an extremely closed person. Bottling up issues would be something I am extremely good at. Besides, my self-sadistic tendencies ensure that I stay this way. I always beat myself up even if I don’t talk about it out loud.
5. I am much too dreamy for my own good and shall not elaborate on this since I’ve already forgotten what I intended to put in.

Five Things I Will Never Wear: I would like to say “anything pink”, although I have a T-shirt which I pass off as “coral”. No one seems to be convinced though. I wear that as little as I can. Basically, I’m not going to wear anything I feel uncomfortable wearing. Stuff that falls in that category may vary with time and my mental maturity.

Five Biggest Joys at This Moment: I just spent the entire evening on this tag instead of going through stuff for the viva I have tomorrow. It’s fun, oh yes. Nothing else, though. And that isn’t very pleasant at all. Heh.

Something to Achieve By Next Year: some more freedom, space and self-sufficiency. I know that hoping for a freak road accident to take my life is asking for too much.

Something that Impacted Me Last Year:
Ending a certain chapter of my life, did help a lot. But no more on that, since it is over. The change that accompanied a certain transition did lift my spirits slightly and I am grateful for the fresh start which I wasn’t sure I’d get but did. I also made a couple of good friends. I don’t know if they’ll stick around a depressing soul like me, but I sure hope they do.

What I Will Miss About 2007: I’m not one for nostalgia so, nothing. I’ll just take a few memories into the future, with me.

Five Things I Want To Do Before I Die: Can’t I just die and get it over with? :P Tee hee. Oh well, I’d like to do something which I’ll actually be proud of. I don’t know what that is as yet. I’d also like to gain closure about some things and work up the courage to face some other issues. I don’t know. Learn to live, maybe? I still don’t have a plan.

And Ship, I am not going to forgive you for tagging me with this.

Failed Wood Yonder

Date: 25.03.2008
Time: 10:07 p.m.

Will you keep standing there, O withered wood,
Mocking melody with off-key tones?
Aren’t you the epitome of investment,
In wasted hope and embittered sighs!
Running sorry fingers over you
Gives me no joy!
Instead, it makes me shake with anger
And curse your despicable mantle.
It sickens me to touch those keys
That I had looked forward to press with love
You deserve to be eternally mute
To silence those piteously moaning strings
Along with the cry of anguish
That escapes my heart in spite of myself.
Do not befoul the folds of space
And stay fixed like a sombre statue,
Saluting failure and lost resolve
As you kill creation with your incompetence.
I hope you are removed from my sight soon
For I do not need more reminders of blighted dreams,
There are enough of those given up
To growing out of a world of lore.

End: 10:20 p.m.

On Ulterior Motives

On the eve of my first mid-term exam of this semester I am listening to music and trawling through the Internet. This is the reason why I have spent the last few days spending very little time in my beloved plane of (un)reality, “studying like a maniac” (as a friend of mine put it) compared to my normal standard of studying new topics for the first time on the day before the exam and leaving out many others owing to the lack of time.

Actually, making sure I got my requisite hours on the Internet and telephone were not the only reasons I went through this self-imposed attack of the conscience. No. Not at all. You see, I want to watch Grey’s Anatomy tonight. That’s the only reason I rescheduled my study timings. So that I could watch an episode that features the most unlikely events that can happen in the lives of those in the medical profession, who have enough time on their hands to be confused about their love-lives, relationships with estranged family members and the drinking limit they should be setting for themselves. Oh the drama! It’s brilliant, I tell you.

And no, nobody has the right to tell me that I have all my priorities wrong and that I should not have been a good little girl and studied my material beforehand just so that I would not lose out on recreation-time, but because I genuinely feel interested in where my life is heading and want to work hard to do well and be successful. Nobody.

I’m lazy. Period. And I want to make sure that I can continue being laid-back and relaxed ... even during exams. They shall not disrupt my daily routine of being lethargic! I know that I love the adrenaline rush I get out of gambling before an exam, but now I shall be experimenting with new situations. Mainly out of sheer boredom, of course. Not because I give a damn about how I will be doing. It’s just that my life is starved of drama at the moment, and being the drama queen that I am, I need something that will keep me awake through the day. Perhaps I should call up somebody now and irritate that person. *evil laugh*

Examinee Instinct

Suddenly something has happened to me
As I was sitting down to study
Suddenly I am feeling oppressed
I am utterly and totally stressed
Do you know tests make me cry?
Do you know tests make me die?
And the thing that gets to me
Is that nobody will see
And the thing that freaks me out
Is that I'm always in doubt.
Is this the worst thing that I have?
Is this the worst thing that could be?
It is the worst thing, the examinee ...
The examinee instinct!

*whoo-hoo-ing*
*guitar sequence*

So drop those books and come with me
For I must change reality
So drop those notes and we will pray
That the exams go away
They will never make me cry
They will never make me die
And the thing that gets to me
Is that nobody will see
And the thing that freaks me out
Is that I'm always in doubt.

The examinee, the examinee, the examinee instinct in me
It's the examinee, the examinee, the examinee instinct in me
It's the examinee, the examinee, the examinee instinct in me.

*repeat twice*
*guitar sequence*

*The End and some Applause Hopefully :P*

Courting Crows

The last remnants of winter appear to have melted away while moving into March. The stark and bare trees that were crying out desperately for relief from the cold have sprouted new leaves and look ready to tackle the horrendously warm summer that is threatening to roast people in their own perspiration. All of this hasn’t escaped the notice of the local avian population as they’ve been embarking on the mission to procreate. This evening, while I was travelling, I noticed the many nests nestled cosily among the now considerably less withered branches of the beautiful trees lining the road. Birdie love has been quietly tailing spring, and is now distinctly making its mark in the form of several additional chirping voices.

This is all very good news indeed as it may help abate fears of a dwindling bird population in the city. The trees themselves have been looking very, very attractive, especially with their extremely sexy way of reaching out to the stars while blossoming into vivid shades of green, with noticeable spots of yellow or red that indicate flowers present in their rightful places. Their limits tend towards infinity. And yes, I’m quite aware of my infatuation for these beauties; you don’t need to point out that I actually used the word ‘sexy’ to describe them.

I wasn’t all that surprised to find many birdie couples courting each other to glory. You could tell that they were aching to find some privacy atop parapets to proclaim their ardent affection for each other that is to last throughout the season. I didn’t feel that it would be very courteous to intrude on their moment together, so I averted my curious eyes elsewhere.

Now that my birdie friends are well-settled in their lives, I suppose I can heave a sigh of relief and feel exuberant on their behalf. But yes, I miss the winter and the cold numbness of the toes and fingers that comes with it. I miss the subtle chill in the air that makes me wish I could indeed fly and speed through the cool misty winds. The departing cold always leaves me feeling colder than ever and it seems that it will be ages before I can greet an old friend once again. It happens every year, and I still haven’t learnt to ignore this unsettling feeling that pulls my spirits down. And they say spring makes people happier. Hah.

Inspiration

Date: 11.03.2008
Time: 2:20 p.m.

If it were once that a broken sigh
Transfixed upon a weary eye
Be shaped into silence dear
To melt away and be crystal clear,
The drop of thought from the sky to earth
Tired of the lack and dearth
Gives unto death with frustration
A tribute to all the tribulation.

An injured bird that falls mid-flight
Struck by lightning’s sudden might
Lies breathing weakly upon impact
To writhe quietly — its final act.

End: 2:25 p.m.

Speech Fragments

Date: 08.03.2008
Time: 10:55 p.m.

Talk about a new horizon
Beckoning smoothly flowing breakers
When a wave rides into the sunset
Carrying with it the wasted breaths
Of a wanderer waiting by the shore.
Talk about a windy sultry afternoon
Calling out to broken spirits
Drowned in bottles of bitter wine,
The unchecked thoughts held back
By sighs and rabid fevers.
Talk about an old raft
Left to rot by the riverside
Fallen leaves that lost the love of summertime
Drying blood let out in mute frustration
Speaking through the past tense.

Talk about craved affection
Denied by the heavens
When it forbids the fall of rain
As the dusty landscape waits thirstily
Growing desperate with each heat wave.
Talk about rhyming words
Deceiving into sophistication,
Disguised as meaning deep
Dwelling within semantics of reason
While cluttering the sense of ease.
Talk about the lights put out
When the voices are silenced by restraint
And the cold reception to quirky ways
Freak-like in their oddity
Yet truthful to the core.

End: 11:15 p.m.

Oh Bother

Date: 08.03.2008
Time: 8:15 p.m.

Don’t share your tragedy now
It’s gone and wasted
And you don’t know how
Loss and pain are words overused
When it’s futility that keeps you abused.

Don’t bother telling what is wrong
It’s all in your head
And you’re not that strong
Straying and aimless, you wait and observe
Hoping to catch up with a lost train’s verve.

Don’t restrict yourself to hope
It’s pointless to brood
And you can only mope
In love with the poison that corrodes your core
No one has the time to listen, you bore!

End: 8:23 p.m.

Today

Date: 04.03.2008
Time: 9:35 p.m.

I will not write today
What good are words
When they make me cling
On to bitter life?
I will not speak today
Ears should not bear the agony
Of listening to a fool —
A deluded idiot.
I will not cry today
Let my soul be trapped within me
As it revisits those triggers
Of the times I died before.
I will not bleed today
Who wants relief
From tears of old and new
For a fresher tomorrow?
I will not die today
As the shell that is me now
Had been lost to bleak ignominy
And unspoken comedies and charades.
It matters little whether the freak breathes
Or walks on two weary feet
Caressed by aching muscles,
Whispering its predetermined lines.

End: 9:42 p.m.