These are a few of my favourite things ...

Date : January exams, 2007 ; Language paper
Time : Morning, in the cold

“Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favourite things…”

Thus sang Julie Andrews as Maria in “The Sound of Music”. While she may have felt inspired to sing of her favourite things during a thunderstorm, for me, thinking of my favourite things does not require thunderstorms. I only need to close my eyes for a while and before I know it, I find myself thinking of all the things that I love the most.

It is quite picturesque when I imagine myself standing high on a snow-crested peak, looking at the golden rays of light softly caressing the silvery-white tops of the mountains before my eyes. I have always been fascinated by the mountains, especially the snow-covered giants, which have a purplish hue. Majestic and elegant, these awe-inspiring monoliths epitomize beauty that is set off by élan and grace. It is no wonder then that when I think of my favourite things, I always think of the mountains.

The rain that drops ceaselessly from the broken sky during the monsoon seems dark, dreary and depressing to many people. However, flitting about in the rain and tasting the drops as they descend one by one on my face is something that I always look forward to. The rain brings with it new hope as it is intercepted by the parched leaves of trees, thirsty for a fresh drop. As the leaves soak up the moisture, they are refreshed, rejuvenated, and an aura of new life encompasses them. I love watching these leaves glistening with rain-drops on their surfaces, I love the fragrance of the fresh earth that spreads everywhere after the rains. One of my earliest memories is splashing in the rain with my father. Yes, the rain is quite certainly one of my favourite things.

The thrill of an adventure, the rush of adrenaline through one’s veins as one contemplates a challenge ─ I revel in such an experience. The energy surging through my body makes me feel vibrant and alive! The shy smile that my brother gives me when he thanks me for helping him with something ─ the uncertain and hesitant tremble of his lips seeking permission to smile, wondering whether he is entitled to a brief flash of a grin, confused as to what the situation demands, it is something that makes my brother who he is ─ the shy and loving little soul. That smile of his conveys more than what a thousand words could. The touch of my mother’s hand on my shoulder ─ it makes me feel so much better when I am upset. She is gentle, understanding as well as comforting with that single touch. These are a few of my favourite things.

The soothing melody of an old piano and the way a single tap of the keys with my fingers gives away the emotion inside calms me when I feel troubled. I can feel the music resonating within me as I play the notes from memory. This feeling fills me with unimaginable joy ─ it may not be tactile, but I can still feel it in my soul, and it is one of my favourite things.

All the ‘little’ things such as small acts of courtesy and respect, concern and care, gladden me and reinforces the belief that the world is not the apathetic, indifferent and cruel place we often come to think of it as. When people give kindness and also appreciate kindness, the essence of humanity shines through the dour mask put on by most people. This brief moment in which the façade is dropped and the face unmasked is one of my favourite things.

When I open my eyes again, after thinking of my favourite things, I find myself re-living all the happy times. What I realize is that one does not have to be able to see everything; as long as the finer feelings can be perceived by the mind, the road remains conquerable. My favourite things are not objects that are transient and which wear away with time. They are images, memories and feelings, which I will always have with me. It is something that makes me feel content, and that is one of my favourite things.

Pain

Date : 30.05.2007
Time : 1:20 p.m.

I had another migraine attack last afternoon, and was a trifle held down by dehydration cramps today. What I felt on both occasions made me remember the complaints of people I know about the pains afflicting them, and set in motion a train of thought regarding the manner in which human beings respond to pain. How a person reacts to the perception of pain depends on the nature of pain, that is, whether it is acute, chronic or periodic, and also whether it is an agony felt by the body or the mind.

Pain is universal and omnipresent. Every living creature feels pain during its lifetime — it may be pin pricks, chemical shocks or high temperature for primitive forms, or a cut or a blow felt by humans. When a person encounters pain owing to bodily injury or illness, the sensation of pain takes precedence over all other senses and plunges the body into a defensive mode, one in which the natural self tries to restore order by locating the stimulus and taking measures to deal with it effectively. This involves millions of ‘little grey cells’ or neurons which, acting as though they have a mind of their own, send forth little sparks of electricity that control the individual’s reaction. Of course, it would be sheer naïveté to believe that it is as simple as that. However, somehow, the person manages to ‘deal with’ the pain, its amelioration being the result of sheer will or the action of analgesics, whatever may be the case.

Another form of pain is emotional or mental in origin, and when it grips a person, it seems to completely drain a person of will and motivation, sapping all the energy that allows him or her to face each day with energy. It is a slow, throbbing and lingering ache which hinders the human being, preventing him or her from taking pleasure in daily activities, silently reducing the individual to a mere shadow, a mere echo that turns away from all that gave joy in the past. Nothing appears to be able to alleviate matters and the person lets despondency rule, sinks into a quiet gloom and withers away while withdrawing from others, from humanity and from life itself.

In both these cases, even if it is for a moment, it feels as though the world has come to a standstill. At these moments, all one can feel is the excruciating pain — a pain that seems insurmountable, unbearable and unconquerable. After a while though, one gets accustomed to it. Perhaps the pain gets dulled with the passage of time. Perhaps it is because of the pretence of bravery, an attempt to ‘save face’ in public. Perhaps, a person simply stops being aware of the pain. Whatever the reason, one moves on, or convinces oneself that one has.

End : 1:50 p.m.

Leading to Reading

My little brother has taken to reading! This is truly a cause for major celebration. He is actually reading. In fact, he has been coming to me and asking me meanings of words new to him and using me as the walking-talking dictionary cum thesaurus that I am considered to be by many who know me! Of course, this implies that I’ll be attending the funeral of that book within the space of a few days, but still, this is glorious news! My little brother, who is mortally afraid of the printed word, has finally decided to read a book on his own … without any of us forcing or coaxing him to do so. Oh, this is rich, very rich indeed!

Inauguration

These words are being typed from a very special instrument devised by technocrats for themselves. I love it and feel glad to have acquired it at last.


PS: I seem to be in love with the inanimate, non?

A Window to my World [II]

I'm relieved. That's the only way to describe what I feel. I've made the best of a very bad situation, and placed myself in a position that is not half bad. That is one less thing to worry about. Hopefully, now, I will have an easier time falling asleep. The Kalium Phos. continues, but the good thing is that now it is actually working.

Music, as always, is going a long way in making my days better. I'm getting better at the guitar ... picked up what I call the ‘sliding’ move a few days back. I've come to the point at which I can play any melody as long as I know the tune well. I hope to start my official lessons next month. My piano lessons continue to be great fun. I've mastered “Canon” — although I was adept at playing the right hand music, earlier, I could only play the entire composition slower than its normal time. Now, I’ve got the right speed and it sounds lovely, just the way it should.

Of late, I’ve also gone back to pencil sketches. I sketched two portraits in the last two days. I had felt like brushing up my shading. Perhaps, I’ll scan them and put them up here. Personally, I think the first looks constipated, although my mother said that the face looked troubled and perplexed. My guess is that constipation can do that to a person. However, I simply cannot draw smiling people! In any case, I’ve achieved my purpose, which was to check whether I can still draw. I can, but there is definitely room for improvement.

I’m going to go and get Minutes To Midnight as soon as I can. Today, I will start reading “The Three Faces of Eve” — another book about multiple personality disorder. I quite liked “Sybil” and am very glad that my own mother is not like Hattie Dorsett. Sybil’s story is another one which has stuck a chord inside me. People have difficult lives, but they learn to live with all that … they learn to be happy in spite of everything. It’s the kind of message which I needed to hear, anyway.

At present, I am listening to random songs on iTunes, and I think that I’ll concentrate on doing that for a while. So, once again, I say, “That’s all folks!”

"nitwit" "oddment" "blubber" "tweak"

Date: 10.05.2007
Time: 10:30 p.m.

A few simple words can hold a world of meaning in them. They might seem unintelligible, or perhaps even border on the ridiculous to many, however, to some, these few words can be enough to transport the mind back to the time when everything was ‘normal’ (or at least, it appeared so), when people were less troubled and when some loved ones were still living. A few apparently nonsensical words can quite literally, work magic and charm their way through a person’s memories and make the ‘happy-times’ resurface, even if it is for a short while.

People hardly get chances to reflect on those odd moments when life is tranquil. It is only when some great upheaval has taken place that a person desperately tries to cling onto the past … hold on, and not let go of memories that are slowly becoming murky shadows and fading links day by day, memories that will remain as memories alone, for the past is not to be experienced once again as the present. This eleventh hour instinct prevalent in people makes, even the best of them, often forget that what is gone is truly gone. People cannot return from the dead. No amount of grief, despair, longing or desperation can change that law of nature.

Now, one way of dealing with death is by remaining in a state of shocked silence. Not speaking of it, not thinking about it — forcing those uncontrollable emotions of sadness, guilt, remorse, anguish and even anger into the deepest realms of the mind, where they remain suppressed, at least temporarily. Every time one of these emotions strays away into the conscious mind and softly nudges, it is bottled up once again and left to lurk in the shadows of subconscious depths. However, this can be sustained for only as long as a person remains living in delusion. The moment hope of reversal of events is gone, when the person emerges from the self-induced trance, the dam bursts, resulting in a surge of overwhelming feelings that break all barriers of reason and transform the person into a ‘human traffic wreck’.

At this stage, there is nothing else to be done — you let yourself be consumed by those very emotions you were running away from … the emotions, which intensified on being denied expression for so long. After you are spent, you revert back to that numb and shell-shocked state, hoping that you have the strength to survive each day that lies unendurably before you.

It is at times like these that a few words uttered by one long gone when life was serene, help steady a person and bring a dash of tranquillity back into the picture. You can draw strength from those words, laugh at them or even release that breath you’ve been holding for so long — and you are not mentally hyperventilating anymore.

“Nitwit”, “oddment”, “blubber” and “tweak” — words uttered by a man who will live on forever in the hearts of those who are truly loyal, although he may no longer reside within the pages of a magnificent alternate world created on paper. These words serve as a reminder of better times which had existed in the past and might also exist in the future if one cares to live to see it change into the present. Just four words hold both the power to inspire and the bracing touch that tells a person that death never has, never will, and cannot ever bring life to a standstill.

So, I go back to the past, relive a few good moments, and return to the present to face the future, saying, ‘Nitwit oddment blubber tweak!’

End: 11.10 p.m.

Square One

There... I knew it was too good to last. I'm back to square one again. Sick.

One Week

You are one-week old today. I am so proud of you, and am thrilled at how you've affected my life in such a wonderful way within such a short space of time. I feel happy simply holding you and just know that we are going to be supporting each other throughout the long journey ahead. I love you, my bee-you-tee-full guitar! I promise to take very good care of you (even though I tore your belt by accident today, but don't worry, that can be fixed easily). My fingers are always here for you, my precious ... (okay, I sound like Gollum now.) Thank you so much for lighting up my life with the music I've wanted for ages! Even sore or bleeding fingers will not stop me from playing you, for you are definitely worth all of it.

Restoration

Date: 03.05.2007
Time: 5:30 p.m.

I took out my roller-skates today, after a very long time. I don’t even remember when I last skated. Was it three … no, four years ago? I’m not sure. I don’t know what made me take them out, clean them, adjust them and use them again. Perhaps I had been wishing to do so for a long time; at a subconscious level, I wanted to reach within my memories and draw out those times when I had felt happy … and free.

It felt quite liberating actually. I wasn’t just skating. It wasn’t just the wind beating against my frame as I sped on gleefully. It wasn’t just the rush of adrenaline that I felt when I nearly ran into the gate after an ill-manoeuvred turn at high speed. No, it was so much more! For once, I was in harmony with myself. For once, I was content — satisfied with myself and happy about what I was doing at that time. It was as though there was a slight chance that my life was actually worth living … as though some of the wounds had finally healed, some part of my dormant soul had awakened and was willing to give life another shot. It is rather strange how the simple act of skating started the process of restoration. It was a brief moment during which I felt as though I might begin to enjoy breathing once more.

I’ve no idea how long this feeling of, I can’t really call it hope but that’s the closest word I can think of right now, will last. I’m always alternating between extreme exuberance and dismal depression. This manic depressive behaviour does not make life any easier for me and makes me somewhat akin to an unpredictable mystery to the people around me, who feel that there are times when I lose my cool for no apparent reason whatsoever. Right now, experiencing something close to peace of mind is something that I find unsettling in itself … a bit odd, rather unusual. Middle-ground — now that’s certainly something new.

I haven’t been the happiest person these last years. I haven’t been able to hold on to those fleeting moments of joy and be as productive as I am expected to be. There have been many things to deal with — death, loss, disappointment, disillusion, shattered dreams, challenges, and the road hasn’t always been an easy one to follow. However, today, I do feel that there is a possibility that I can live through all this — I might not be allergic to life after all!

Today, while roller-skating, I remembered some of the times when I had felt glad and encouraged. For a while, I was disconnected from everything around me, even myself, as I let my mind wander down the healing lane. I basked in the glory of the soft sunlight slowly saying goodbye for the day, the red and orange sky, interspersed with clouds shaped like dreams, the calls of the birds making one last round of their domain before heading home at the end of the day … and I felt alive.

End: 6:10 p.m.

A Window to my World

Here's a brief newsflash regarding my oh-so-important life ... (yeah right! As if ... but you are welcome to read on anyway).

Today, I picked up the Love Story theme on the guitar (all by myself, yay!). My musical endeavours are turning out quite well, much to my satisfaction. I can now play the Etude op. 10-3 "Chanson De L'adieu" by Chopin flawlessly (on the piano) and have picked up the right hand music of Chopin's Valse op. 64-1 "Petit chien", something which I had to work hard on for a while. Although I can play the left hand single-note chords, it'll be a while before I can actually play the entire composition without a glitch. It's a toughie but I am not afraid. (Hear that, my dear little piece? I am not afraid of you! I will conquer you, so there!)

There wasn't a power-cut today! I had felt certain that knowing the sadists at the Electricity department, there would definitely be a power-cut today just when I'd be sitting down to watch Grey's Anatomy. That's what happened last week, and the week before. Well, I shouldn't be complaining. Thank goodness for small mercies anyhow!

I am still very confused about the future. I suppose that I should just resign myself to my Fate and see what developments take place. I am in serious need of some introspection here, and I need to kick myself awake. Procrastination will not do at all.

Ah well, I feel too lazy to write more at present. (Note to self: Get rid of your indolence!) That's all folks! Thank you for tuning in. Goodbye.