Sluggish Syndrome

Date: 30.06.2008
Time: 12:06 p.m.

It should be a cardinal sin of nature’s to have grogginess be the after-effect of too much sleep. Sleep is (usually) peaceful, sleep is healing. So then why should oversleeping till eleven in the morning after eating ice-cream before going to bed the previous night lead to my waking up in full dispossession of all my senses? It is unfair, I tell you! Even now, as I am writing this out, after being awake, albeit only partially, for over an hour, I am just as close to being aware of my surroundings as a well-oiled pumpkin which has no business being coated with sunflower oil (of all things) in the first place, when it is unwittingly hurled into the firmament by a delinquent child who did not wish to be made to eat raw oiled pumpkin for supper.

That along with the fact that I am feeling incredibly lethargic, even more that my usual high standards of laziness and indolence, goes to say that it is extremely unethical to deny an insomniac the joy of making up for many hours of lost sleep. And that would be the sole reason for this outburst of mine, as I contemplate my position in the Universe in-between sneezing fits that last for more than fifteen sneezes per fit. Maybe I’m just coming down with a cold. Maybe I already have a cold. Or perhaps this could be another way for the world to tell me that there is nothing truly wrong with me and that all will be fine in the morning and that there is ‘no place like home’. Who knows? I certainly don’t, and can’t pretend to be the Holder-of-Knowledge-I-don’t-possess!

I have been going over a lot of songs that I’ve been listening to recently. Mentally, that is (no pun intended).These keep playing over and over inside my head with the correct lyrics and spacing of musical arrangements even though I am convinced that half the time I’m only making up the words. This must be a seasonal affliction as I recall experiencing the same phenomenon regularly over the period of last year, and the year before and many other years before that year that I cannot possibly be expected to keep track of, especially since I’m already overstretching my mental capacities by remembering the lyrics of my favourite songs.

It has been raining all morning and the weather is a lovely excuse to go outside and enjoy the abundance of the elixir of (my) life all over the streets and buildings and beloved trees. I meant water, for those yet uninitiated into my propensity for drinking water at every chance I get. It’s mainly a part of my initiative to enjoy this precious liquid to its full extent as long as it is available, before it is unparliamentarily destroyed by environmental pollution. See? I am such a concerned global citizen. Membership to this club of mine, the one that advocates drinking water to one’s heart’s content is open to all and sundry!

Now that I am almost completely awake and aware enough to notice the twitching of my nose at the slightest hint of dust, I feel ready to launch my plans of taking over the world. This will begin with my attack on the bed in which I was hitherto sleeping, lying down, resting, curled up, and also indulging in a variety of other somnolent postures. Since I have kept my room somewhat neat and orderly for the last few days, I must maintain these lofty human ideals and make my bed. It is a task that requires utmost concentration available to mankind and the greatest of energies that my limbs possess. Having said all that I must depart the realm of my scattered thoughts and bid a teary goodbye to my wordy-friends as I go forth and conquer the Universe. Maow!

End: 12:38 p.m.

X & Y

Date: 28.06.2008
Time: 00:43 a.m.

I wish June would stretch on for eternity. This childish desire to extend time and stall it has not been left behind the closed doors of childhood. I would still harbour hopes, deep down that a miracle will let this happen, although I know that it isn’t likely at all. This month has given me a lot of things I hold dear, and will do so in the coming months. And yes, I need all the strength that I can muster, and all the courage that I can gather, just so that I can live out twin lives during this time.

I’ve noticed that it is easy to forget how the days fly when you experience those rare moments of bliss. The nights can be equally agonizing when blankness stares at sleepless eyes through the clouded dark sky… this transpiring when the days that don’t seem to end saunter to a close after many hours of harrowing nothingness. Somehow, I can’t seem to get used to this, and find myself marvelling at it in philosophical moments.

Even the scent of an ended day can bring mixed feelings with it. A well-spent light-time calls in restful sleep, while the jittery restive daylight moments bring with them equally peace-less nights. I’m certain that this is another whim of nature, designed to trap humans into the web of their own pondering, just so that more such fruitless hours are wasted thus.

My life has taken some interesting turns and I’ve ventured into unexplored paths I never thought myself capable of finding. I’ve always had to pay some price or the other for most things, but usually, I haven’t minded doing so. I don’t quite believe in nostalgia, and although regret is a usual part of morose existence, there is one part of my life, at least, that shall not be tainted by it. I refuse to allow such thoughts to enter. It’s a case of going scarce on butter for a while to be able to taste wine later. And I am most certainly not giving up when the going gets tough. Not for this, at least.

I still wish June would last longer though. Somehow, the thought of facing those months that loom before me does not appeal much to my imagination. The scorching heat may have parched my lips and throat, yet it has also dried the murky water surrounding me, replacing it with the fresh fragrance of rain. Long, calming walks have helped put my mind at ease and I’ve got a taste of life in my mouth. I would miss it if I were denied it for even a short stretch of time. My soul has been drenched in peace and it longs to cling to this state for as long as it can.

The rain-soaked earth before me is slippery in many places. I know that I must be careful while treading these. I can hope that I have the skill to cross this stretch before I can walk into the beautiful steady grounds of the awaiting future.

End: 1:15 a.m.

Transitory

Date: 27.06.2008
Time: 3:25 p.m.

Within closed spaces of my limits
I roll and writhe hoping to reach
And cling forcefully to the edges,
Meandering most mirthlessly
And groping damp walls of my dungeon.

The spikes that gaze gleefully at me
Let their metal intentions be known to my skin
As I scrape against them in desperation
To flee from my dark prison
In search of my transitory winged ride.

As the metal sinks deeper, I leave
Pain behind in mid-sensation
Extending my senses outwards
With my seeping blood
That adorns my punctured body.

It is as light is to blind eyes
A wondrous salve never experienced
Casting shadows not to be felt
By shielded folds of withered skin
Shut to them forever.

Calming deafness of the brain
Blots out the vestiges of pain
Teeth don’t gash to leave red welts
Nothing’s heard and nothing’s felt
I leave those walls behind my psyche.

And it is all transitory
When I wake into it once more
Captured again within my cage
In mock defeated rage
I lie shivering, fear is oddly dear.

End: 3:40 p.m.

Fire-front

Date: 22.06.2008
Time: 10:05 p.m.

Struck by the hand she was sewing up
She fell into the cold water
The suddenness left her feeling numb
She didn’t know she had fight left within her.

That bleeding hand writhed painfully
By the forsaken waterside
The morning had seen her breathing stop
For moments in her bathtub.

The ordinary don’t have to
Brave the fire-front
They don’t need to face delusional fears
Screaming out of the mouths of generations before.
The ordinary don’t have to
Face the fire-consuming words
Their fire-front lies in quiet hearths
Without waters above their heads.

And while she let the depths take her air
Her arms too tired to struggle
Swallowing liquids when she needed air
Breathing in mouthfuls of cold death.

It was her work to always keep her head
Stay calm when it was needed of her
Blinking away dust that entered her eyes
Along with the burning debris.

The ordinary don’t have to
Brave the fire-front
They don’t need to face delusional fears
Screaming out from generations before.
The ordinary don’t have to
Face the fire spewing out of mouths
Their fire-front lies in quiet hearths
Without waters above their heads.

Sinking deeper into the folds
Of a million waves weighing upon her nose
When fears freeze the tongue from making a sound
Drowning would be the easiest way out…
Stiffened limbs betray that purpose
Sleep and rest awaits them soon.

The ordinary face the fire-front
Some emerge with scars
That never let them heal into
Being ordinary.

End: 10:20 p.m.

A Tag Long Overdue

DC tagged me with this sometime in March, and I have been shamelessly laid-back about it. Still, I have time on my hands this evening and a promise to keep. So here it goes. (By the way, the usual disclaimer of “I hate tags and bear no responsibility for inflicting unbearably morose writing on readers on account of this” applies).

A is for Ambiguity, Air-guitaring, ALLITERATIONS and Annoyance
B is for Books, Best buddies, Boredom and Brassiere
C is for Cats, Chocolate, Contentment and Catch-22
D is for Death, Darkness, Dreams and Doodles
E is for Entropy (of the Mind), Elightenment and Elegance
F is for Freedom, Flight, Fortitude and Fealdamar (:])
G is for Greenery, Guitar and Genes
H is for Hallucinations
I is for India, Insanity, Insufferable ineptitude in idiots, Illustrations and Integrity
J is for Jinxes, Jelly-besting, Ja, Jes and Jumping up and down like a five-year-old
K is for Kitty and Kittens
L is for Letters
M is for MUSIC, Madness, Metaphors, Moon-gazing and Mysteries
N is for Non-conformist
O is for Ostriches and Openness
P is for Piano, Penguin Army, Passive aggression and Poetry
Q is for Queen, Questions and Quirks
R is for Reading, Rising, Rebirth and Resignation
S is for Space, Spaceships, Speed, Sprains, Sparrows, Stars, Stoicism and Sentience (edit:) and Ship!
T is for Time, Torture, Telepathy and Trust
U is for Understatements
V is for Violence, Vampires and Vogons
W is for Wood, Wisdom and Woes
X is for Xylophones and XEROX (i.e. photocopying) machines
Y is for Yellow, Yearning and Yes
Z is for Zaphod Beeblebrox, Zombie, Zest and Zero

I tag: SHIPSHIPSHIPSHIPSHIP (Hahahahahaservesyouright)

Fix You

Closed channels never help anyone. It is a pity that it is indeed the first line of defence for most when faced with a challenge. Whoever said that life is going to be good? It isn’t. But that doesn’t have to necessitate the shutting of all doors leading out of your own head. It’s still possible to live. And anyway, nothing is permanent and there is no point clinging on to moments simply because those were times you felt secure. Nothing stays, and there is no choice but to evolve, and to go with the flow.

Why am I suddenly harping about this? It’s mainly because I feel the need to let myself know that all is not lost when something doesn’t come about the ideal way. Of course it isn’t pleasant, far from it actually. I don’t expect to feel high on chocolate at these times, although, I suppose a bar or two won’t hurt. Still, the truth is that life sucks. But that doesn’t mean that I have to stay moping, brooding or sulking, or wasting water as tears. There are good moments, and I plan on enjoying them as they come, and yes, letting go of them when I need to. Do I have a choice? In a way, yes, but the alternative involves sinking lower and lower into depression, which I’m somewhat bored of by now. I’ve had enough. Now numbness helps. It helps quite a lot, so again, I’ll go wherever I’m being taken and try to look at everything objectively, almost as though I’m witnessing someone else’s life.

Let me see how this arrangement works out. Heh.

“When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse...

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you”

— Coldplay

The Stoic

Date: 09.06.2008
Time: 6:18 p.m.

A silent soul hides many stories
Beneath black pools of impassive eyes
They open out and face the world
Like a one-way looking glass that shies,
Masking more than mere buried sorrow
Or dried dreary darkening drops
Light may steal more than it mellows
From dry laconic lachrymal stops.
Now a dirge that is whispered by falling leaves
Plucked from their homes by the summer storm
Is a lidded glance at that tomorrow
Denied them by winds of cruel form,
Yet the stoic requires no such ‘comfort’
The creature must endure the ensuing fall
Where the world begins to embrace the greys
And winter’s pellucid pallid pall.
Watching ships set sail and sink
While it stays entrapped on cursed land
Opaque orbs show not dead passion
Or any trace of a ceremony grand,
Whether they bleed inside or not
At thrusts of steely blades that wrong
Is not divulged in anguished floods
Since the stoic needs no tears to be strong.

End: 6:58 p.m.

Dizzy Hopes

Date: 08.06.2008
Time: 10:02 pm

Is it wrong to look at vines and think of what they’ll be like when winter has blown the winds of death through them? Is it wrong to worry that hope might be beyond reality? Is it quite so wrong to feel scared of wanting the best in life and knowing that you’d be devastated otherwise?

I don’t have answers to these. I am as confused as I was when I started out, maybe a little more now. It seems as though the margins that demarcated black and white have blurred, so much that I don’t even know if it’s grey. And sometimes, although I’ve always been taught to be stoic, I panic. At these moments I feel most vulnerable, and my mind whimpers for some assurance. There is so much to lose, so much at stake – it is overwhelming to steel yourself up for another round of a void, and know deep down that there is every chance that you will cave in to weakness. Fear makes me weak. I do not like being weak, I’ve always been taught that being strong is the only choice I have. That is all I’ve ever known, ever experienced.

Perhaps that’s how it is supposed to be. Could it be Fate? I can’t claim to understand how the world works. Most of it leaves me at a loss anyway. And to sit and wonder how events contrive themselves to give you a taste of what you’d like and then torment you by keeping that from you, even if it is for a fixed period, is well beyond my limited intelligence. It brings too much pain with it, and too much fear.

I’d like to think of hope being on my side. It’s the only thing to hold on to right now. Somehow, in someway, life will work out the way I’d like it to, and then nothing will be able to take what I have, what is mine, away from me. It’s a dizzy dream I cling on to, and that’s better than drowning any day.

End: 10:14 p.m.

A Window to my World [VI]

I am in the mood for some humour right now. It rained in the evening much to the relief of the entire city, I’m sure and I was helping a friend who’d come over get transportation back home. (Sidenote: She still hasn’t called up to say that she’s reached safely. If she’s forgotten I shall pull her hair the next time we meet. I just hope she’s ok.) During my walk back to my house, my slippery slipper-ed feet decided to enjoy the mud on the beautifully maintained lane right outside my house. As I boldly marched through the mounds of mud, the slipper that was dating my right foot decided to throw a tantrum (my foot, always did trample upon it, the poor dear) and got stuck in the mud. My foot could not bear the separation and wished to regain its footing, and so I was instructed to retrace my last step so that the two estranged lovers could unite.

Now one would think that after such a reunion took place, everything would be bright and shiny again. But you see, it was raining and night had fallen, so that was out of the question. And so, the slipper that was best friends with my left foot had a literal falling out with it and got stuck in the mud as well.

The entire incident was actually quite funny. It gave me something to laugh about. And the walk in the rain was also very pleasant. I’m still smiling about it. The only thing that’s blotting out the colours in this rosy picture is the thought of appearing for another exam tomorrow. Oh sigh!

Oh and of course, how could I forget some other updates that the citizens of the virtual world have been dying to know seeing that I’m such an important person (a complete social butterfly) who everyone wants to know everything about! I have made an ink doodle which I can’t post or upload right now since a. I don’t have a scanner at home and b. my camera is out of batteries. Apart from that, the practical exam I had today went off alright. We see the results tomorrow and hope fervently that they’re the proper expected ones. Oh well, enough of boring stuff. Here’s some bacteria related humour:

LD’s evil-minded brain decides to annoy unsuspecting netizens upon seeing the status message of “Disturb at your own peril”.
LD: *disturbs*
I’m in the mood for some danger
Shruti: *pushes her into a well*
LD: :P
*climbs out and pokes*
Shruti: *pushes her into a volcano next*
LD: *turns into a thermophilic bacteria*
*spouts sulphur*
Shruti: grr
*dumps her into a sewer*
LD: :D
Shruti: *and parks a car over the drainhole*
LD: *becomes E. coli and answers to the IMViC test as follows:
++--*
Shruti: *gives up and ignores her*
LD: *grins triumphantly and ignores her*

So that was that. I’m pure evil, aren’t I? It is fun indulging in that state of mind, lots of fun. And I shall be off now and try to catch some sleep since I haven’t had much of it lately. I almost feared I’d yawn in the examiner’s face during my viva. So that’s it. LD out!