Is It Getting Better?

Roll down the grassy slope

Feel the dust and grime

Leave broken thoughts behind

And get lost in time

The tension of the fall

Swells into your mind

Shattering whatever peace

You were hoping to find

Is it getting better, or is it getting worse?

The blinds are drawn, unfettered

To lift emptiness’ curse

Need to find a way out of my mind that changes what’s askew

Break away from the old array

Discover life anew

Trail down the mountain path

Leave the fog behind

Breathing in the sunshine

Open and unconfined

The rhythm of my soul

Sways in double time

Creating sweet melody

Delightfully sublime.

Is it getting better, or is it getting worse?

The blinds are drawn, unfettered

To lift emptiness’ curse

Need to find a way out of my mind that changes what’s askew

Break away from the old array

Discover life anew

The starlit night illuminates the desert sands ahead

I lie gazing on my back, no longer feeling dread

The horizon looms before me, showing a road to tomorrow

A calm surrender to the existence I must borrow

Is it getting better, or is it getting worse?

Is it getting better, or is it just blank verse?

Is it getting better, or is it getting worse?

Is it getting better, or am I trapped in this hearse?

Is it getting better, or is it getting worse?

Is it getting better, or is it getting worse?

A Moment’s Pause

I’ve loved you with all of me
But now it seems I’ve given too much
When I look into the mirror
You’re all I see
I can’t see myself at all

The last few years have been
A roller coaster through heaven and hell
The highs felt like flying
Then from all the way up I fell unseen
I can’t find myself at all

Here we have a moment’s pause
To wonder when the love was lost
And if there even is a cause
To hold on to each other
The life we thought we’d have may be
Nothing but a made up melody
A tune that never shall be free
To be sung to another

Life goes on and people laugh
I’ve learnt to bury my broken heart
As I try to pull myself together
The smiling photograph now torn in half
I will see myself again

Today I’ve no regrets
At the end of this bend I’ll rest
No looking back as I stand strong
No more hedging bets
I will find myself again

 Here we have a moment’s pause
To wonder when the love was lost
And if there even is a cause
To hold on to each other
The life we thought we’d have may be
Nothing but a made up melody
A tune that never shall be free
To be sung to another

Forgiveness let’s us see
An open path to you and me
We fix ourselves and heal
A clean slate to start over
We are free
We are free

Here we have a moment’s pause
To wonder if the love was lost
And if there even is a cause
To drift away from each other
The life we think we’d have may be
Envisioned as a new melody
A tune that will set us free
Binding us to one another

Daydream

Dreams,

Beautiful, beguiling

Teasing, tempting, transforming,

Create carefully crafted cages.

Bracing, breaking, braving,

Sunlit, sanguine

Wakefulness.

Good Days

There are good days. And there are 'I can't get out of bed' days. Those are the days when you really need to give yourself little rewards to nudge yourself into activity. Stay occupied. Stay focused on a checklist of things to do.

This disease makes you speculate the worst reactions, the worst scenarios, and the worst consequences of actions. You know that you just need to go with it, and leave all important decisions for later, when you can breathe again, think again.

I know that I need to keep my day full of activities. Otherwise it's a descent into a maddening din of hopelessness. I know that my reactions right now are irrational, and not necessarily my actual ones. I'm just looking to feel something, be it anger, be it grief, be it the hypothetical satisfaction of a thousand unspoken conversations. I want to curl up in a corner and not move, but need to force myself to anyway.

It's time to accept that this part of my life is back. I can even pinpoint the events that re-triggered the onslaught of this debilitation. All I understand is that, on these days, I need to keep moving, and hope the mental paralysis will pass with the dawning of a new day.

2016, you bitch. You were not what I imagined you would be. Thanks for at least packing in a lot of good travel.