Thursday, 29 November 2007

Perch

Date: 29.11.2007
Time: 5:30 p.m.

Having a bit of time on my hands these days, I’ve been indulging in haunting the terrace once again. I usually go upstairs in the late afternoon, with a book and some music, perch myself on the water tank (which has a remarkable view of the neighbourhood, by the way), and read, listen to music and take in my surroundings all at the same time. Today wasn’t very different as I flew to my favourite haunt at around four and sombrely seated myself in my usual place. However, a few things did occur that kept me rather amused.

While I was comfortably reading and looking up occasionally to observe an orange sun slowly turn red and then disappear in the horizon, I noticed an old gentleman pacing about his terrace, two buildings away. The expression on his face was worth a million words for he looked stunned beyond belief when he noticed a scatty-looking girl with an untidy pony-tail in a red T-shirt on the highest water-tank of the neighbourhood, sitting cross-legged and poring over a book. His eyes were crinkled in confusion and disbelief, his brows were tightly knitted and his mouth formed a round ‘O’. In fact, he kept blinking and glancing my way to convince himself that my presence there was not an illusion. I was highly tickled and had to control the urge to wave cheerily at him from my perch and shock him even more. Yes, I do make an attempt to be less rude to people. Sometimes, that is.

As I continued to sit there and read, with my music play-list behaving benevolently towards me, I spotted a pot-bellied gentleman on a westward terrace feeding seeds to a flock of white and grey pigeons. Other birds flew by solemnly and an orange-beaked playful ’un decided to play hide and seek among the jutting out pipes on my terrace and an old, forgotten antenna while chirping happily about its day. A crow dancing on the edge of the water-tank flew away looking rather affronted when I waved and spoke to it. I wonder why though, for I am usually well-liked by these birds.

The dim light filtering through the clouds grew weary of resisting the power of darkness and slowly ebbed away into myriad enigmatic shades of grey. A slight nip in the air made the approaching evening seem pleasant and welcoming. The sun had set by then and I had also finished the short story that I was reading. I therefore decided not to offer myself as a live sacrifice to the blood-thirsty mosquitoes out there and began my descent into the mortal plane.

My footsteps echoed in the desolate staircase and I slipped into agreeable reveries, untroubled by all that usually keeps me preoccupied and distressed.

End: 6:00 p.m.

Tuesday, 27 November 2007

Weirdness, yes

LD had been playing the role of an actual live “ear worm” by constantly croaking ‘Don’t Look Back In Anger’ throughout the day, and annoying people in the way.

2:35 p.m.

MayaJCA: “If you sing that song again —”
LD: “You’ll slap me?”
MayaJCA: “No.”
LD: “Kick me?”
MayaJCA: “No. Worse. I’m going to kiss you.”
LD: “!”
LD: “O_o”
LD: “Stay away from me, woman!”
MayaJCA: “Muwhahahahaha. I knew that was going to be your reaction.”
LD: “…”

LD goes back to her croaking, thereafter, in spite of the perils that may lie ahead.

Sunday, 25 November 2007

Phase

For quite some time now, I have been purposely denying myself most things that I love. I have stayed off books, my precious piano, the guitar, and a lot of other things that I know give me pleasure. I had stopped myself from indulging in these precisely because they were activities that I enjoyed. I had wanted to see how much ‘estrangement’ I could take.

It pained me to keep my distance, however I derived a certain kind of sadistic amusement from it … a different sort of pleasure. Whether or not it is healthy is not something I would like to sit and debate right now, but nevertheless, it has been a revelatory experience. And it has made me wonder whether submitting to my longing for all that pleases me after denying myself just that is the sweetest poison any pleasure-seeking hedonist could hope for.

There have been moments when I’d thought that I would yield too easily, and others when the perverse pleasure derived from the exercise made me wish for it continue interminably. I cannot deny having enjoyed it. Moreover, I have been benefited with an insight into my own spirit. It certainly has been fruitful and the delight I felt after finally giving in was more than what I would have received had I indulged myself throughout.

I suppose that having bipolar tendencies also has something to do with it. Whatever it is, my intuition tells me that I will go back to my ‘denial’ phase after a spell of indulgence although I can’t say that I don’t look forward to it. Let me see what happens.

Deep Blue

Date: 25.11.2007
Time: 00:20 a.m.

Deep blue waves crash against the shore
Those sandy shores unmarked for many years
Frothy waves crash against the shore
Washing the rocks with the salty tears of the sea.
Deep blue dreams transport into abstraction
Slipping into most insignificant a reverie
Surreal dreams transport into abstraction
Blotting out the mundane with horrors instead.
Deep blue dots swim before the eyes
Dancing distractedly without a purpose
Blurry dots swim before the eyes
Deep blue something: sands lost from time.

End: 00:30 a.m.

Thursday, 22 November 2007

Composure

Date: 20.11.2007
Time: 00:55 a.m.

Come take advantage of me
I am waiting to be manipulated
Fed lies spewed out of malice
And told only what I wish to hear.
Come feed off my cheery smile
I am waiting to be robbed
Told deceitful stories
And have words twist my thought.

Come stare as I am vulnerable
I am waiting for the blow
That will strike right out of the blue
When I am not needed any more.
Come cower as I keep looking
My penetrating glare burning through façades
I see through the deception
As I have learnt my lesson now.

My silence stems not from fear
But from enjoyment at the discomfort
Caused to your cowardly mind
As you never dared and do not, even now.

End: 1:00 a.m.

Sunday, 18 November 2007

Not

Life is so peachy. It rocks big time. I love everything. Wow. I am in a wonderful mood in spite of learning that I have more examinations to sit for. Of course I am not being sarcastic. Sarcastic? Who, me? You must be out of your mind!

Why would a person like me with such an interesting life ever have to resort to sarcasm to make things more interesting for her? I am telling you, I am such a social butterfly! I simply cannot live without socialising every single hour of the day. I would never have to bother with silly trivialities such as talking to myself to keep me company. And did I ever mention how much I enjoy the fact that each day of my existence is remarkably different from the other days? I might have, I think ... once, or twice, or perhaps even a hundred times since it is a veritable truth.

Like I said, life is brilliant at the moment. In fact, it simply could not have been better. I am such a happy person, aren’t I? I’d stun everyone with the intensity of my vibrant smile — one that I am flashing almost constantly. No, seriously, my face hurts from all that smiling. It does, really.

At the moment, I feel like the most positive person on the planet. I could clap and sing and dance to express my joy. Brilliant, right? Yes. Very.

Not.

Sunday, 11 November 2007

Something

Date: 11.11.2007
Time: 11:05 p.m.

There is something in a word
That has it sound sensible to the ear and mind of one
Something in shadows
Which draws those with fondness for the dark
Something in the brilliance of wit and the arts
Inducing hearty laughter and hope in hearts.
Lack of which brings thought to a standstill
Harping on one and one alone
When does reality start the beginning of dissociation?
When that something fails to inspire again?
Looking without truly seeing
Listening without truly hearing.
Reaction passes unnoticed then
A wall is built that none can bend
That something has been said a moment back
Faces a barrier in the guise of a smile
Not meant in all of its truth as it should
But put forth to the world and veiled as good.
There is something indeed that prevents the fall
Of the dangling verse left incomplete
When the heavens burst and the rain descends
On paper befouled by words in ink
That were loath to describe that something
Which is there inexplicable in everything.

End: 11:20 p.m.

Saturday, 10 November 2007

Aphasia

I am eating my dinner all by myself in my room. My door is shut. So are the windows. I can hear people bursting chocolate bombs outside. And no, I am beyond caring about any of it. My sleep is disturbed enough ... a few loud noises will hardly make a difference.

Today, I am afraid of quite a few things. I have to keep track of a lot of stray thoughts and discern my dream-memories from real ones. It is hardly an easy task, seeing that I am one given to drifting away into myself, where I have my own world to comfort me. And so, when I find myself walking down the road of reality, I often get rather confused. Did this actually happen, or had I only imagined that it had? Was I actually told to do this, or is this another imaginary conversation? I am also frightened by myself, and certain perceptions of mine. Words fail to be my friends and I feel choked by my inability to express what is bothering me. I have just lied to a very good friend and said that I am fine when I am quite obviously far from it. I feel horrible about it. Still, there is nothing I can do at present. Thankfully, I am not prodded and pushed, and I am grateful for that bit of empathy.

To be honest, I have never been one to directly say what is on my mind, especially when I am a bit troubled. I beat about the bush a lot. I vacillate. My circumlocutions are outrageous. It is actually a miracle that people still stick around to listen. Look at me now: it is exactly what I am doing. This is another instance of my being closed and withdrawn. Not that I have much of a choice anyway. It is the best way I have tackled things so far.

I know that I should face my fears head on. But I doubt whether I have the courage to do so. Yes, it is courage that I require. I don’t think that I have much of it though, and I loathe myself for this weakness of mine.

My dinner is cold. What I’m chewing feels like hardened gum. I wish that I were not quite so addicted to the Internet and lived a fresher existence. Yet, what can a depleted soul do but cling on to those figments that have become most precious? Reality can wait then, can’t it?

Friday, 9 November 2007

Retreat

Date: 09.11.2007
Time: 11: 07 p.m.

Feel the whispered words caress those longing ears
With feeling so strong that clumsy hands
Fail to drop those lights down on the floor
That lies still, unmoving, supporting stony walls
As they decide to help a stucture stand up.
Will it crumble now or will those bricks
Stand straight and tall for ages till
The very foundations whose strength is uncertain
Crumble down to dust and mingle with
The earth that awaits its death most patiently?
Happy voices sound inside the head of a
Clumsy fool caught up in a phantasm of deluded joy
When people are alive and attentive still
And speaking with those beings inside
Offers the comfort that human words may have provided.
Thoughts fly freely as the drawbridge is lowered
Across the moat of murky waters containing
Nightmares of enchanted lies to the self
Letting the truth emerge most frighteningly
Till Illusion paints a pretty picture once more.
Withdrawing into Illusion’s den of flying winds
Streaming across the skies of hope of bluest hue
Oblivious of the mystery of the lost voices
Which cannot venture into the realm of reality
At times when they need to sound louder than ever.
Feel the whispered words spoken to its own ears
To resound mightily throughout the chamber
Where an imagined world beats its living heartbeat
With powerful stroke of wings of fantasy
While the whispers are heard no more.

End: 11:30 p.m.

Thursday, 8 November 2007

November Rain

Date: 08.11.2007
Time: 5:00 p.m.

The sky was pensive for quite some time this morning. Clouds had gathered together to hold a whispered conference with the hidden stars. Hushed messages were conveyed back and forth and finally, in the afternoon there was rain.

I had fallen asleep after lunch, having stuffed myself with dry fruits and kaju barfis. The pounding of the raindrops against the glass window panes of my room woke me up. After blinking constantly for a while, I resolved to go up to the terrace (my new haunt, these days) and enjoy the sprinkle from the heavens.

The terrace was empty. The ground was damp from its continuing battle with the raindrops. My usual seat on top of the water tank did not seem like a very good idea right then. So, I decided to simply walk about in silence. Those sweet descending drops of water were quite fond of me, it seemed, for they rushed at my uplifted face like a bull shown a red flag by a matador. A slightly disappointing simile, I know, but nevertheless, I tasted those refreshing and relished raindrops with all the pleasure attributed to a satisfied hedonist.

My walk grew faster. I broke into a run — going round and round the terrace till I started feeling dizzy with joy. The rain kept on falling on me and my face had an expression of utmost contentment pasted all across it. I laughed heartily, losing myself to the rejuvenating rain. Laughing, I spun round and round and round, with my eyes locked with the clouds above.

The adrenaline pumping through my veins exhilarated me and put me on a high. The thrill of getting drenched gave me the energy to keep running … faster and faster, till finally, exhausted, I slumped down resting against a stone wall. I was happy and there was nothing anyone could do to snatch my moment of bliss from me.

Of course, the rains did cease after a while and the sun decided to emerge from the cover of clouds and shine discreetly till it was time for it to say farewell for the day. I resumed my seat on the water tank leg and spent the next hour watching the day draw to a close. My brother joined me later and it was rather nice to sit together on the leg and listen to songs while watching the birds fly home. And it was quite amusing to have him point at a faraway crow and confidently call it a bat.

I’m still feeling elated. Happy. At peace. Content. Exalted. I know that the terrace awaits my presence the next time there is November rain.

End: 5:25 p.m.

Wednesday, 7 November 2007

Meme

Jadis tagged me with this: The Alphabet Meme. While I find it interesting to read tags written by others, I am not too fond of getting tagged myself. Oh well, I am bored, so here it goes:

A ACCEPT reality.

B BREAK away from stereotypes.

C CREATE to set your thoughts free of the constraints of a mundane world.

D DECIDE for yourself. Live on your own terms.

E EXPLORE your possibilities. All of them, even those that appear impossible.

F FORGIVE yourself all your mistakes. Regret is not worth the energy.

G GROW with each passing year and keep an open mind. You never know when you might have to eat your own words.

H HOPE for innovation to strike the minds that matter. And yours.

I IGNORE average.

J JOURNEY into unexplored territories and break new ground.

K KNOW your limitations and learn to overcome them.

L LOVE the exalted heights that the human mind can reach and what can be accomplished from there.

M MANAGE all your resources. The precious will slip away if care is not taken.

N NOTICE life.

O OPEN the doors that lead onto greener pastures.

P PLAY for enjoyment and for laughter.

Q QUESTION arbitrary authority.

R RELAX to breathe in life instead of rushing through each day.

S SHARE freedom and tolerance.

T TRY to be your ideal self.

U USE all your faculties to their maximum potential.

V VALUE freedom ... of thought, speech and action.

W WORK putting in your best effort.

X X-RAY and analyse people. Facades often mask weak foundations.

Y YIELD to no will but your own.

Z ZOOM in to discover little details you had missed before the retrospection.


Taking up this tag is optional. If you would like to, then all you need to do this form a sentence with each word printed in uppercase.

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

Dissociation

Date: 05.11.2007
Time: 11:14 p.m.

Instigating arguments. Speaking about resentments harboured in the past that refuse to leave the mind. Loud voices. Soft ones raised to high-pitched cacophony. Anger swelling inside the gut, rising and consuming the mind. More arguing. More resentment. More bitter truths coming up to the surface.

Dislike. Preferences. Hate. Questions. Rigid minds? What is flexibility? Do others have a right to question your preferences? ‘Qualifications for judgement’. More anger. Disbelief. Rationality gets butchered for irrational emotions. The past refuses to leave … haunting, still daunting.

Sarcastic remarks meant for un-empathetic ears. Calm-voiced reason and justification. Rage at being questioned. You dare question my preferences? Raised eyebrows and quivering lower lips. A cold glare that penetrates through the darkness. More sarcasm.

Definition — of the life of a city. What makes it throb and pulsate with life? It does not live. It does not live? Social behaviour. ‘Fitting in’. “You only need to put in an effort”. Sarcasm at the paradox. Relative ratiocination. Friendship — bitterness.

Nothing is supposed to last, is it? People skills are obviously very natural to some. Somebody has many ‘friends’. Listen. Watch. Speak. Watch and stare. Enjoy. Sadism speaks out from within. The argument is enjoyed. Laughter … at the irrationality of one. Cold laughter. Cruel sadism. More enjoyment.

Annoyance gives way to calculated satisfaction. Purpose. Was there one? Has it been achieved? Time has been spent. Boredom has been killed. Aggression expressed. The dysfunction is amusing in a cold manner. Aloof. Distant. Detached viewer. Expression of the shell, the exterior. The interior has been lost. It has escaped confinement and forsaken the cage for the sake of open spaces.

The candle flickers gleefully, watching the exchange. Impersonal, and offering feeble rays of unwanted light — light that the powerful black extinguishes. The bitterness resurfaces once more. Wounds are yet to heal … literally and otherwise. A cynical mind remains, and learns to be indifferent. Quiet ripostes that bring out the worst in another. More coldness.

Toughen up. You have, haven’t you? You have had to. You did not fit in, but you have survived. You don’t fit in, you don’t belong … but you don’t care anymore. This is strength. Is this strength? Must be.

End: 11:37 p.m.

Friday, 2 November 2007

Rediscovery

Date: 02.11.2007
Time: 6:25 p.m.

I went up to the terrace after many long years. It is still the same as ever, only, quieter now since you don’t find kite flyers and laughing little children there anymore.

When I went up, the sky had darkened considerably. The clouds were hardly visible, the traffic and noisy rickshaws had softened their outpouring of sound, and there was little, if not hardly any rustling of the palm tree leaves. Now I don’t live in a particularly picturesque part of the city, however the dying orange of the horizon contrasting with the welcoming midnight blue did make a very beautiful sight.

And of course, I had my music with me. Somehow, this evening, it seemed to stretch on and fill the entire space before me — space that was lying empty and forgotten. I climbed up this ‘outcrop’ (a supporting leg of an elevated water tank) and sat there … listening and watching the sky lights dim before my eyes. For some strangely surprising reason, a lot of tiny fireworks were shot off into the evening sky. I watched those sparkling bits of fiery colour whoosh up and then fall silently as they began to lose their spark after a few minutes of livid living.

Looking around, I noticed new additions to the terrace. There were many tiny satellite dishes perched along the terrace boundaries. They leered down at the streets below like condescending spiders gleefully watching approaching prey. There was also another living creature parked right below the ‘outcrop’ on which I was perched — a rather pretty potted plant that had been hiding in the shadows of the water tank.

Somehow, the clothing lines seemed lower today. The water tank, which used to be out of the reach of a tiny little girl who would look on wistfully as the much taller and older ‘adult-like almost adult’ creatures would jump and sit on it, was no longer an inaccessible mountain waiting to be conquered along with the years lying ahead. There were no stern voices warning against bending too much and falling over the stony railings. No animated laughter, no hurried scrambling to recover a straying cricket ball, no subdued murmuring of the wind brushing against clothes let out to dry. I was alone. But I did not mind it. I was comfortable below the steadily darkening sky and the open space before me.

I was free to scream at the top of my lungs, and hoarsely accompany my favourite songs playing inside my ears, my head and my soul. As I stood with my back resting against the edge of the water tank, I felt alive and awake. The breeze that was gently caressing my face and hair did not pause enough to produce much sound. My voice, ecstatic at being given the chance to break free of the constraints of a small room, was liberated and glad. I gazed up at the sky and felt grateful that I could witness the world in all its glory as I realised that no camera can capture what the human eye can see.

I was content.

End: 6:55 p.m.