Time Lapse

One minute of rage -

One hundred lines of laughter

Erased by a frown.

A Pause

Looks like we're headed down a steep decline

The peak of the hill holds memories of wild happy days

It's good to remember them, somehow

Even though our paths no longer entwine.

Words can't repair a disconnect so deep

When you don't hear me at all

As we drive past the greenery

All I can do is fall asleep.

You made my fire burn brighter just a few winters back

Cold ashes remain, the same colour as snow

The chill in the air embraces my numbness

While life pirouettes gracefully off track.

The ebb and flow of music in the car

Leaves me with a wry smile as I drift in and out of a daze

The road stretches ahead long and lonely

The end obscured and too far.

Inertia

I feel as though I live two lives these days. Work is a necessary distraction from the searing numbness that fills me. Getting out of bed each morning is a task. I somehow get ready for work, and only then feel like I can move again. Once there, I talk, smile, converse, compute. Another day goes by. The method acting of being ‘normal’ is the closest I get to feeling such. Peel away the outer layer and there's nothing but an abyss of emptiness staring back.

Some days it is hard to breathe. In the middle of my day, I find my chest constricted, the act of breathing trapped somewhere between my lungs and the synapses of my brain. On other days, it is so easy to get carried away by an idea, the brilliance of people around and the great goal we strive for. Until I remember, I happily forget.

I'm not even sure why I feel, or don't feel this way. The hardest part is getting out of the inertia of immobility, and doing something that reminds me of myself. My strong sense of self preservation ensures that I park it for another day.

I go through the motions of regular routine, tracing the steps of a somnambulist. An automaton operating on the tenets of Duty, Routine, and Responsibility. The rest of me is sleeping somewhere, the soul music locked away.

Is everything fine? I'm not sure. Do I want things to change? I don't know. Can I help myself? Who knows?

I will not pause my life for anyone. 

Black Hole

It's funny how the tides have turned. Steady ground turned into turbulent waves. You used to be my strength once. Now you pull me down every day.

The taste of sweetness does not get fossilised with time. Only shadows of bones can be preserved. You build yesterday with that today.

Moving miles has brought no added kindness. Nights pull me further into the black hole. I know that in time, I will be fine, not for any other reason but that there's no other way to live.

My path is one with only shadows for company. In time that will be enough.

Hello

My heart a-flutter,

Palpitations so intense;

Hello hangover.

Marrow

You've silenced my thoughts,

Bathed my marrow with despair;

This night is endless.

That Feeling

Numbness of any sort is terrible for you. Pain is an indicator of something being wrong. It's the body's natural signal to make you get off your arse and do something about the problem. However, any kind of chronic pain leaves you mostly numb. In the attempt to help you live with constant pain, numbness actually takes focus away from the source and lets the problem persist.

Inaction and defeat go hand in hand. You're not sure if you're in the correct frame of mind to take any decisions. The only certain feeling is that there's something missing, but you can't articulate what it is. The mental paralysis adds to the helplessness.

I think this is where I am right now. And I'm not sure what will get me out of this.