For quite some time now, I have been purposely denying myself most things that I love. I have stayed off books, my precious piano, the guitar, and a lot of other things that I know give me pleasure. I had stopped myself from indulging in these precisely because they were activities that I enjoyed. I had wanted to see how much ‘estrangement’ I could take.
It pained me to keep my distance, however I derived a certain kind of sadistic amusement from it … a different sort of pleasure. Whether or not it is healthy is not something I would like to sit and debate right now, but nevertheless, it has been a revelatory experience. And it has made me wonder whether submitting to my longing for all that pleases me after denying myself just that is the sweetest poison any pleasure-seeking hedonist could hope for.
There have been moments when I’d thought that I would yield too easily, and others when the perverse pleasure derived from the exercise made me wish for it continue interminably. I cannot deny having enjoyed it. Moreover, I have been benefited with an insight into my own spirit. It certainly has been fruitful and the delight I felt after finally giving in was more than what I would have received had I indulged myself throughout.
I suppose that having bipolar tendencies also has something to do with it. Whatever it is, my intuition tells me that I will go back to my ‘denial’ phase after a spell of indulgence although I can’t say that I don’t look forward to it. Let me see what happens.
It pained me to keep my distance, however I derived a certain kind of sadistic amusement from it … a different sort of pleasure. Whether or not it is healthy is not something I would like to sit and debate right now, but nevertheless, it has been a revelatory experience. And it has made me wonder whether submitting to my longing for all that pleases me after denying myself just that is the sweetest poison any pleasure-seeking hedonist could hope for.
There have been moments when I’d thought that I would yield too easily, and others when the perverse pleasure derived from the exercise made me wish for it continue interminably. I cannot deny having enjoyed it. Moreover, I have been benefited with an insight into my own spirit. It certainly has been fruitful and the delight I felt after finally giving in was more than what I would have received had I indulged myself throughout.
I suppose that having bipolar tendencies also has something to do with it. Whatever it is, my intuition tells me that I will go back to my ‘denial’ phase after a spell of indulgence although I can’t say that I don’t look forward to it. Let me see what happens.
5 comments:
ahhh... nuthing more satisfying that testing the limits of your own control...
err....but why would you want to?
......... the word binge comes to mind.
I used to be manic/bipolar till I met a woman (a psychiatrist ) who diagnosed me proper.
Something happens when you know what you are/when you know what makes you tick. I can't put it into words, but I can see it now, and recognise it.
Feeling the pain of what you suffer is a revelatory experience, but not knowing the why brings no way forward/rest, only back and forth incessently around and around.
Something touched me in the post of yours.
this kind of thinking can do you in man, good for a day or two but in the end, we are all here to enjoy and make the most of it while we are here...of course if pain is enjoyable to you well then ;) carry on!!
N
When the hedonism starts to poison you,and seep through every restrictive urge(the alter-ego?),things become overwhelmingly illusionary(and false?and deceptive?sometimes,yes). Then again,the question in both the cases(to dive,swim and catch a cold,or to stay away till the water is warm) is- To what extent?
Self-denial makes me feel more human,somehow. Then again,when I indulge,moderation isn't my forte.
Balance(self-control?) is necessary,but,the levels,the absolute definition,shall always remain debatable.Only the circumstantial definition exists(and flickers away) for the individual.
But can one really know,to what extent?
Post a Comment