Date: 08.06.2008
Time: 10:02 pm
Is it wrong to look at vines and think of what they’ll be like when winter has blown the winds of death through them? Is it wrong to worry that hope might be beyond reality? Is it quite so wrong to feel scared of wanting the best in life and knowing that you’d be devastated otherwise?
I don’t have answers to these. I am as confused as I was when I started out, maybe a little more now. It seems as though the margins that demarcated black and white have blurred, so much that I don’t even know if it’s grey. And sometimes, although I’ve always been taught to be stoic, I panic. At these moments I feel most vulnerable, and my mind whimpers for some assurance. There is so much to lose, so much at stake – it is overwhelming to steel yourself up for another round of a void, and know deep down that there is every chance that you will cave in to weakness. Fear makes me weak. I do not like being weak, I’ve always been taught that being strong is the only choice I have. That is all I’ve ever known, ever experienced.
Perhaps that’s how it is supposed to be. Could it be Fate? I can’t claim to understand how the world works. Most of it leaves me at a loss anyway. And to sit and wonder how events contrive themselves to give you a taste of what you’d like and then torment you by keeping that from you, even if it is for a fixed period, is well beyond my limited intelligence. It brings too much pain with it, and too much fear.
I’d like to think of hope being on my side. It’s the only thing to hold on to right now. Somehow, in someway, life will work out the way I’d like it to, and then nothing will be able to take what I have, what is mine, away from me. It’s a dizzy dream I cling on to, and that’s better than drowning any day.
End: 10:14 p.m.
Time: 10:02 pm
Is it wrong to look at vines and think of what they’ll be like when winter has blown the winds of death through them? Is it wrong to worry that hope might be beyond reality? Is it quite so wrong to feel scared of wanting the best in life and knowing that you’d be devastated otherwise?
I don’t have answers to these. I am as confused as I was when I started out, maybe a little more now. It seems as though the margins that demarcated black and white have blurred, so much that I don’t even know if it’s grey. And sometimes, although I’ve always been taught to be stoic, I panic. At these moments I feel most vulnerable, and my mind whimpers for some assurance. There is so much to lose, so much at stake – it is overwhelming to steel yourself up for another round of a void, and know deep down that there is every chance that you will cave in to weakness. Fear makes me weak. I do not like being weak, I’ve always been taught that being strong is the only choice I have. That is all I’ve ever known, ever experienced.
Perhaps that’s how it is supposed to be. Could it be Fate? I can’t claim to understand how the world works. Most of it leaves me at a loss anyway. And to sit and wonder how events contrive themselves to give you a taste of what you’d like and then torment you by keeping that from you, even if it is for a fixed period, is well beyond my limited intelligence. It brings too much pain with it, and too much fear.
I’d like to think of hope being on my side. It’s the only thing to hold on to right now. Somehow, in someway, life will work out the way I’d like it to, and then nothing will be able to take what I have, what is mine, away from me. It’s a dizzy dream I cling on to, and that’s better than drowning any day.
End: 10:14 p.m.
3 comments:
And yet, isn't it fairer to hope for "second bests"? Something that does not translate into a complete void, but rather translates into temporary voids with sudden flashes of brilliance and extacy? And, of the temporary voids, are they not "voids" in total, but just darker, deeper craters, rather than black holes, LD?
In times like these, I think it's easier to imagine these trying times as medicine for a sickness. A really long one. Once you're cured, you can come back to reality and live happily... again!
of course not...!
*furious grin*
ask away ask away!!!
for the best.
Kaz: A lot of things seem unfair, sadly. And medicine, now that's an interesting way to look at it.
It is best to go with the flow especially in situations that cannot be controlled. :) And I think I'm ok with that now.
Jadis: Welcome back to my blog! *grins* I'll ask for the best all right, but for now it's ok if it isn't delivered at my doorstep in 30 minutes. :P I've decided that since it's not pizza I'm asking for, I'm ok with waiting a little longer.
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