Date: 03.05.2007
Time: 5:30 p.m.
I took out my roller-skates today, after a very long time. I don’t even remember when I last skated. Was it three … no, four years ago? I’m not sure. I don’t know what made me take them out, clean them, adjust them and use them again. Perhaps I had been wishing to do so for a long time; at a subconscious level, I wanted to reach within my memories and draw out those times when I had felt happy … and free.
It felt quite liberating actually. I wasn’t just skating. It wasn’t just the wind beating against my frame as I sped on gleefully. It wasn’t just the rush of adrenaline that I felt when I nearly ran into the gate after an ill-manoeuvred turn at high speed. No, it was so much more! For once, I was in harmony with myself. For once, I was content — satisfied with myself and happy about what I was doing at that time. It was as though there was a slight chance that my life was actually worth living … as though some of the wounds had finally healed, some part of my dormant soul had awakened and was willing to give life another shot. It is rather strange how the simple act of skating started the process of restoration. It was a brief moment during which I felt as though I might begin to enjoy breathing once more.
I’ve no idea how long this feeling of, I can’t really call it hope but that’s the closest word I can think of right now, will last. I’m always alternating between extreme exuberance and dismal depression. This manic depressive behaviour does not make life any easier for me and makes me somewhat akin to an unpredictable mystery to the people around me, who feel that there are times when I lose my cool for no apparent reason whatsoever. Right now, experiencing something close to peace of mind is something that I find unsettling in itself … a bit odd, rather unusual. Middle-ground — now that’s certainly something new.
I haven’t been the happiest person these last years. I haven’t been able to hold on to those fleeting moments of joy and be as productive as I am expected to be. There have been many things to deal with — death, loss, disappointment, disillusion, shattered dreams, challenges, and the road hasn’t always been an easy one to follow. However, today, I do feel that there is a possibility that I can live through all this — I might not be allergic to life after all!
Today, while roller-skating, I remembered some of the times when I had felt glad and encouraged. For a while, I was disconnected from everything around me, even myself, as I let my mind wander down the healing lane. I basked in the glory of the soft sunlight slowly saying goodbye for the day, the red and orange sky, interspersed with clouds shaped like dreams, the calls of the birds making one last round of their domain before heading home at the end of the day … and I felt alive.
End: 6:10 p.m.
Time: 5:30 p.m.
I took out my roller-skates today, after a very long time. I don’t even remember when I last skated. Was it three … no, four years ago? I’m not sure. I don’t know what made me take them out, clean them, adjust them and use them again. Perhaps I had been wishing to do so for a long time; at a subconscious level, I wanted to reach within my memories and draw out those times when I had felt happy … and free.
It felt quite liberating actually. I wasn’t just skating. It wasn’t just the wind beating against my frame as I sped on gleefully. It wasn’t just the rush of adrenaline that I felt when I nearly ran into the gate after an ill-manoeuvred turn at high speed. No, it was so much more! For once, I was in harmony with myself. For once, I was content — satisfied with myself and happy about what I was doing at that time. It was as though there was a slight chance that my life was actually worth living … as though some of the wounds had finally healed, some part of my dormant soul had awakened and was willing to give life another shot. It is rather strange how the simple act of skating started the process of restoration. It was a brief moment during which I felt as though I might begin to enjoy breathing once more.
I’ve no idea how long this feeling of, I can’t really call it hope but that’s the closest word I can think of right now, will last. I’m always alternating between extreme exuberance and dismal depression. This manic depressive behaviour does not make life any easier for me and makes me somewhat akin to an unpredictable mystery to the people around me, who feel that there are times when I lose my cool for no apparent reason whatsoever. Right now, experiencing something close to peace of mind is something that I find unsettling in itself … a bit odd, rather unusual. Middle-ground — now that’s certainly something new.
I haven’t been the happiest person these last years. I haven’t been able to hold on to those fleeting moments of joy and be as productive as I am expected to be. There have been many things to deal with — death, loss, disappointment, disillusion, shattered dreams, challenges, and the road hasn’t always been an easy one to follow. However, today, I do feel that there is a possibility that I can live through all this — I might not be allergic to life after all!
Today, while roller-skating, I remembered some of the times when I had felt glad and encouraged. For a while, I was disconnected from everything around me, even myself, as I let my mind wander down the healing lane. I basked in the glory of the soft sunlight slowly saying goodbye for the day, the red and orange sky, interspersed with clouds shaped like dreams, the calls of the birds making one last round of their domain before heading home at the end of the day … and I felt alive.
End: 6:10 p.m.
2 comments:
Beautiful.
More so coz i can FEEL your words.
I can relate.
Next time you are down...
go skating again.
:)
Ha ha. Thanks. Well, it's a bit difficult to go skating in the middle of the night. :)
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