Aftertaste of Hate

Date: 11.07.2008
Time: 8:25 p.m.

Would you be so kind if I mentioned
How hate fills me every time I see those wretched smiles?
It is loathing of the deepest kind
As strong, and as abrupt as the
Manner in which I walk —
Staccato steps that are noiseless, yet which resound
Down sonic corridors as the sound
Fractures the peace of a hitherto happy afternoon.

Oh look how those asinine smiles
And pleasantries are exchanged!
It is a familiar sight and a familiar feeling;
Anger bubbles within my poisoned heart
Just as a giggle erupts in yours
Decayed with too much sugar
Much too sweet, much too light and much too
Done-up with candy to have place for anything bitter
Like the darker blend of chocolate.

Its taste is also unwelcome to your mouth
You shun it as soon as it touches those
Saccharine lips too lined with pity
There is that curvature of judgement passed
And wrinkling of the nose
As you denounce that unwelcome, unfamiliar and
Unsavoury crumb, spitting it out
And treading upon it too, unknowingly.

I walk away when I see this repeated
And return to be tread upon again
Once more for the love of what I hate
For it is too strong, too passionate
And too fascinating a feeling
For me to let go and walk away,
So, I stay.

My speech reveals not this hate
But if you notice my lidded eyes
The glaring animosity shall not escape your patronising glance
You will be stunned at first though
Unsure as to whether it was merely imagined,
A piercing glance that makes you lose confidence
In your exuberance and charm
You turn again to look, but
The moment has passed and I am
On guard against your suspicion
That I am not one of you.

I am silent for most of the morning
And also the afternoon, if permitted,
Labelled a quiet introvert to whom nobody speaks
It’s funny how no one notices
How dangerous this is — an observer
Whose intentions are never gauged and never known
By those who smile, sigh and pronounce judgement
On those ‘poorer’ souls who don’t conform
To the convention of a sunny disposition.

If disturbed by voices during such introspection
My anger melts into the bewildered look
Of one who was asleep in the last row
During a sleepy discourse and was interrupted,
Prodded awake by those who are
Much too concerned about the welfare of others,
I am surprised, and perhaps a little lost too.

But this hatred is precious, most precious!
It is the film which can neutrally filter afflictions
Through which I like to see the world…
Remove this ability of my heart and eyes
And I shall be like another of that shallow crowd,
Unable to demarcate what is ‘judgement’
And what is a mere observation
Dispassionate and without consequence of emotion
Oh but look! A contradiction of wording
Stops me from elaborating as I
Fall prey to my own twisted logic.

I sigh the sigh of futility now
Echoing the wasted effort of another day
Amidst the same horde that I despise
Yet don’t care the slightest bit about
Tiredness placates my passion for the day
As I sigh some more and roll the dark chocolate
Inside my mouth with my tongue —
The silvery wrapper listlessly discarded on the floor
While my painted tongue revels in the bitter aftertaste.

End: 9:55 p.m.