Date: 24.08.2008
Time: 6:40 p.m.
There is only so much silence that a person can take — after which, the voices inside the head become so loud that you begin to see and hear things. I’ve felt an extremely stifling numbness set upon me the last few days. Although I had initially attributed that to fever and sickness, this evening I’m sure that it stems from much more.
I can get used to the lights gone. I can adapt to the heat and humidity. What I know is driving me mad is the stillness — the way the waters of my life have been brought to an abrupt halt in the face of an unwanted dam. There is so much that I’m holding back… again, in spite of having experienced the freedom of letting go.
People, as always, confuse me. It is as though I see some pattern repeating itself. The surety of it is terribly disconcerting. I’ve always despised the routine, yet I find myself falling into one I desperately want to (and tried to) get out of. There are times when I take the easier path and shut myself in my room, away from everyone. Only, I’m at a loss when I wish I could shut my soul away from myself.
As for situations and circumstances, these embroil themselves in murky waters on their own without any intervention on my part. I do not enjoy disappointments, and perhaps my reaction to these is worse than that of others. Yet, having a string of these lacing my life makes me want to make a noose of it and strangle myself. And some of the time, I’m rather ashamed to admit this, but I shut out loved ones as well.
I lack the energy that tears demand, so I’m keeping everything inside… just as I used to. I’ve always hated August. It is a month that makes me sick in body and sick at heart… year after year. I’ve noticed that a lot of these seasonal patterns simply do not change. The moment I bring myself to talk about it, I find that the conversation has moved on… with time. Time. I always need too much of it to make my point. And this temporal sparring shall only end with me running out of time — probably, sometime soon enough.
All that I have for comfort is that all my distrust, cynicism, and paranoia regarding people and situations are getting vindicated. This is hardly much of a comfort though. What I need right now, more than anything, is to get used to mental isolation and stop myself every time I build up expectations. Only that will help, only that. For all my pessimism, I am an optimist at heart, and that will ruin my life unless I check it right now. I need a strong kick, that’s what.
My world disappoints me, and it has me expecting things and then being taken for granted. And my world believes in denying me what I want and need.
“Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerising, so hypnotising
I am captivated
I am Vindicated…
I swear I knew it all along…”
End: 7:10 p.m.
Time: 6:40 p.m.
There is only so much silence that a person can take — after which, the voices inside the head become so loud that you begin to see and hear things. I’ve felt an extremely stifling numbness set upon me the last few days. Although I had initially attributed that to fever and sickness, this evening I’m sure that it stems from much more.
I can get used to the lights gone. I can adapt to the heat and humidity. What I know is driving me mad is the stillness — the way the waters of my life have been brought to an abrupt halt in the face of an unwanted dam. There is so much that I’m holding back… again, in spite of having experienced the freedom of letting go.
People, as always, confuse me. It is as though I see some pattern repeating itself. The surety of it is terribly disconcerting. I’ve always despised the routine, yet I find myself falling into one I desperately want to (and tried to) get out of. There are times when I take the easier path and shut myself in my room, away from everyone. Only, I’m at a loss when I wish I could shut my soul away from myself.
As for situations and circumstances, these embroil themselves in murky waters on their own without any intervention on my part. I do not enjoy disappointments, and perhaps my reaction to these is worse than that of others. Yet, having a string of these lacing my life makes me want to make a noose of it and strangle myself. And some of the time, I’m rather ashamed to admit this, but I shut out loved ones as well.
I lack the energy that tears demand, so I’m keeping everything inside… just as I used to. I’ve always hated August. It is a month that makes me sick in body and sick at heart… year after year. I’ve noticed that a lot of these seasonal patterns simply do not change. The moment I bring myself to talk about it, I find that the conversation has moved on… with time. Time. I always need too much of it to make my point. And this temporal sparring shall only end with me running out of time — probably, sometime soon enough.
All that I have for comfort is that all my distrust, cynicism, and paranoia regarding people and situations are getting vindicated. This is hardly much of a comfort though. What I need right now, more than anything, is to get used to mental isolation and stop myself every time I build up expectations. Only that will help, only that. For all my pessimism, I am an optimist at heart, and that will ruin my life unless I check it right now. I need a strong kick, that’s what.
My world disappoints me, and it has me expecting things and then being taken for granted. And my world believes in denying me what I want and need.
“Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerising, so hypnotising
I am captivated
I am Vindicated…
I swear I knew it all along…”
End: 7:10 p.m.
4 comments:
You know, so much honesty, makes me think you are from another planet. You gotta make friends with the voices you know :P
N
You.Keep.Hoping.
Don't.Stop.
Get.It?
"Only, I’m at a loss when I wish I could shut my soul away from myself."
So true. It's like closing your eyes shut as tightly as you can and hoping...but the light still won't stop blinding you...
Sweetheart, when u feel u r walking the old known path to doom...has it never u bothered why it happens like this always?
if u can help it then y not adopt a strategy so that u can attract the faith and trust and make it stay- wat is it that brings this doom?
a clap can't happen with a single hand- not always..not time and again.....
i might seem patronising to u now- but i don't care...coz its for ur good that am sayin
u might be angry with me for a considerable time after this and not tok to me- as u generally are if anyone gives u any advice!
but it wud do u a world of good if u jus go with the flow and stop trying to control things at times...to accept things openly as they come and holding back gets u now where- simply no where...wat will u do by holding back everything ?? the dam will break one day...why build a dam...why not be a flowing river? in fact u had to hold back then y even talk about some of ur thoughts on cyberspace?
MMM
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