Who Knows

Some nights you just have to let the despair overcome you and cry into your pillow till it's dawn again.

There's probably no other way. The sadness has taken root and doesn't want me to do anything about it. I don't want solutions tonight. Just wish I wasn't so numb, so cold and disconnected that it's a Herculean ask to even talk to someone. About anything. I feel like shutting myself away from everything. Everyone.

It happens, I suppose, if your sounding board of many years and your avenue of venting is suddenly no longer an option. It was a long time coming, I suppose. It would have been too much. I'm crap at communication anyway.

Boring. Such an innocuous little word. Such a hurtful word... One that takes you spiraling down into the rabbit hole of half a glass of empty even weeks after it was last uttered. I don't know if I'll ever be convinced otherwise again. Complacency is such a rude thing, and so very sad and hurtful when you're on the receiving end of it.

Time and distance. Speed. Light and sound. Do they really go hand in hand? Is there even a point to putting yourself through the pain of life only to die alone someday?

I feel alone. And it is something that really bothers me now. It feels wretched that at the end of the day, if anything were to go wrong, there really wouldn't be anyone around to lend support. I guess my lot in life is to be my own source of strength. No faith. No one. Just me. Give and receive only space, and there's nothing left but distance.