Date: 26.07.2007
Time: 10:15 p.m.
I have gone back to that phase in which I feel inadequate — that phase when I feel like being drastic and dramatically dreadful. In fact, I am rather dramatically dreadful. I feel like a wretched creature dragged up to the surface from a cold dark dungeon, a creature afraid of facing the light and all that it illuminates. I am a pitiful weakling who is blight for everyone — a sad and sorry excuse of a ‘thing’ who must be tolerated and whose incoherent rambling must be put up with for the sake of charity alone.
A fragile and disgusting wretch like me can do nothing constructive or creative. I am an amateurish, sophomoric, immature little brat who cannot even be trusted to tie her own shoelaces. I wonder now, had I actually ‘improved’? Or was it just my mind deceiving me into thinking that I had put the worst behind me?
There are many people who would be glad to come up to me and offer me ‘good advice’ that will help me live my life better. There are others who will speak of ‘ethics’ and ‘morals’ and ‘the right thing to do’. I wonder now, do all these conversations truly hold any meaning? Would any of these words exchanged have even an ounce of life left in them were I to lie cold, distant and lifeless?
I thought I was getting better. And now, I am deeply disappointed in myself. I’d like to think that there is something that I am very good at. (Yes, I have this streak which makes me want to prove myself.) Sadly, I find nothing. I suppose that I can pretend that I have a slight flair for music, but I know deep down that it is actually nothing. I am no master and I doubt that I have what it takes to become one even if I were to put in years of my life in effort. My voice had left me long back, and my fingers lack both feeling and conviction. They simply drum along in a mechanical and utterly robotic fashion, producing sound that is only slightly better than the sound of fingernails scraping a blackboard.
What other skill was I a pretender to? Art? What I ‘create’ (if the word may be used loosely) is unoriginal, ugly and lacks any bit of what is called ‘inspiration’. It only serves to frustrate me. I can see something in my mind, yet, I cannot put it down on paper, neither as words nor as figures. And at other times, I lack the vision as well.
I am so wrapped up in myself that I fail to notice what is taking place in the world around me. I walk along the street in body alone, my mind is caught up elsewhere; I slip into reveries — and inside me there still beats an urge to escape from everything.
While I usually dislike comparisons, I can’t help but compare the ‘real’ me with my ideal of the person I would like to be. Again, I fall far short of all the standards that I set for myself. I am simply not ‘good enough’.
Therefore, I revert back to that selfish, uncaring, repulsive self who can only wallow in self disgust and is revolting to everyone around her.
End: 10:50 p.m.
Time: 10:15 p.m.
I have gone back to that phase in which I feel inadequate — that phase when I feel like being drastic and dramatically dreadful. In fact, I am rather dramatically dreadful. I feel like a wretched creature dragged up to the surface from a cold dark dungeon, a creature afraid of facing the light and all that it illuminates. I am a pitiful weakling who is blight for everyone — a sad and sorry excuse of a ‘thing’ who must be tolerated and whose incoherent rambling must be put up with for the sake of charity alone.
A fragile and disgusting wretch like me can do nothing constructive or creative. I am an amateurish, sophomoric, immature little brat who cannot even be trusted to tie her own shoelaces. I wonder now, had I actually ‘improved’? Or was it just my mind deceiving me into thinking that I had put the worst behind me?
There are many people who would be glad to come up to me and offer me ‘good advice’ that will help me live my life better. There are others who will speak of ‘ethics’ and ‘morals’ and ‘the right thing to do’. I wonder now, do all these conversations truly hold any meaning? Would any of these words exchanged have even an ounce of life left in them were I to lie cold, distant and lifeless?
I thought I was getting better. And now, I am deeply disappointed in myself. I’d like to think that there is something that I am very good at. (Yes, I have this streak which makes me want to prove myself.) Sadly, I find nothing. I suppose that I can pretend that I have a slight flair for music, but I know deep down that it is actually nothing. I am no master and I doubt that I have what it takes to become one even if I were to put in years of my life in effort. My voice had left me long back, and my fingers lack both feeling and conviction. They simply drum along in a mechanical and utterly robotic fashion, producing sound that is only slightly better than the sound of fingernails scraping a blackboard.
What other skill was I a pretender to? Art? What I ‘create’ (if the word may be used loosely) is unoriginal, ugly and lacks any bit of what is called ‘inspiration’. It only serves to frustrate me. I can see something in my mind, yet, I cannot put it down on paper, neither as words nor as figures. And at other times, I lack the vision as well.
I am so wrapped up in myself that I fail to notice what is taking place in the world around me. I walk along the street in body alone, my mind is caught up elsewhere; I slip into reveries — and inside me there still beats an urge to escape from everything.
While I usually dislike comparisons, I can’t help but compare the ‘real’ me with my ideal of the person I would like to be. Again, I fall far short of all the standards that I set for myself. I am simply not ‘good enough’.
Therefore, I revert back to that selfish, uncaring, repulsive self who can only wallow in self disgust and is revolting to everyone around her.
End: 10:50 p.m.
7 comments:
and you are amazing with music, okay?
nobody learns to play so well in 3 months [onherownthattoo].
you may not believe me.
but gah.
you would only be stupid not to.
and piano
AND your voice.
WHATTHEHELLWOMAN.
I think we had a talk about this, at least based loosely on this.
Heh... I can't say much. I knew at one point how this felt.
Now, it's different.
Ship is right.
You are awesome, brilliant and magnificent. And don't you dare forget that. It's only human to feel inadequate and useless... but I assure you, you are anything but those. I have gone through what you're going through (hell, I still go through it sometimes) but remember, you're a good person who cares about all the good things in life. I know you do.
hey girl....why the heck do u feel this way..i noe all of us get depressed n feel like shit sometyms...but u r seriously amazin...don noe u 4 tht long...but watevr i do ...i seriously admire u....all tht u ve achieved...!
pls...don say a thing abt ur music.....u shud listen to the ppl above me...n me!!!!otherwise im stealing ur copyright!!!!!wahahahhahahhhhhaaaaaaaaaaa!!!(TM)
hehehehe!!!
i know how you feel...thats exactly how i feel,the only difference being that you are actually creative and good at what you do,thats what makes you so endearing and sweet.
If I were to say, that I understand what you are going through, then believe me, I am lying.
But honestly, I feel that there is nothing that can be done. Even you can't do anything.
Its just bound to happen this way.
well... :X
this post makes me feel like u want people to praise u....
if u ain't good..the others are bad..awfully bad...
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