The Athiest

“Well it looks like you’re surprised, young man…”

“You tell me. Should I not be?”

“I suppose an ‘I should have believed my mother’ is of the order.”

“Not really. She never told me about anything of this sort.”

“Oh? That’s strange! I thought all mothers did. At least that’s what they’re supposed to do. Let me check my files…”

“Files? You’ve got to be kidding me!”

“Oh it’s nothing to get astounded about. Where do you think your lot got the idea from?”

“And you alliterate as well. What a surprise!”

“Tsk. Tsk. Ah yes, there they are! Why, you’re right! She never did, God bless her, if I may say so myself! She was quite the liberal, that one… My, my —”

“I’m sorry, but I honestly don’t see how my mother and my being here are related.”

“But my dear boy, they are! And even if I do take your poor instruction in these matters into account, the fact remains that you stayed a sceptic.”

“Hey, that’s not fair! Don’t I have a right to believe and disbelieve what I want?”

“And look where that got you. Frankly, my boy, you are, as the younger lot downstairs say, quite screwed.”

“And you’re supposedly just and fair.”

“To those who believe, my child.”

“Well that’s quite convenient, isn’t it? If you ask me, it’s just some sort of a mechanism to lionize yourself. It’s only the sycophants and yes-men that appeal to your taste.”

“Hmm. I’d never thought of it that way… perhaps I should start punishing you now.”

“Oh please! Now I see why the world runs the same way. If you’re the architect, it couldn’t have been otherwise, could it?”

“How outrageous! You should be grateful that I haven’t already packed you off to my dear friend Luci! He has a special fondness for roasting fresh meat.”

“ Threats. So utterly predictable! Tell me one thing, then… if you’ve created everything, and there’s a reason behind everything being the way it is, then why would you need to punish disbelievers? You obviously made them that way — every piece of art of yours is purportedly perfect.”

“That’s enough out of you, Mister! Believe you me — you will be punished for your insolence.”

“Of course. Even though my being the way I am is your doing in the first place.”

“Hey Pete! Go fetch me the meta data on this loser here! I can’t believe I even let him into the system!”

“Sir, yes, sir!”

“Ah, you boss around your lackeys too… That’s interesting. Know what? This place of yours is no different from where I came from.”

“Hurry Pete!”

“Sir, yes, sir!”

“It’s an interesting concept actually. You’ve modelled your creations based on your own self and inadvertently incorporated all your own flaws into them. However, to still keep the upper hand, you pretend that there is such a thing as free will and get pleasure out of persecuting those who represent your own so-called shortcomings, and blatantly favour those who agree to whatever you say. Blimey, it’s good business all around!”

“Silence! Oh, right here, Pete, yes. Be off now! Right then, let me see —”

“It does make me wonder though... You are insecure, aren’t you? Was it a traumatic childhood experience? Or wait! Did you even have a childhood, or did you simply burst into being?”

“I knew that a day would come when I’d regret making Freud and his ilk.”

“But seriously, why do you constantly need praise and adoration? Is it to fulfil some deep-seated emotional need? Are you a virgin? But then again, you can’t be!”

“Aren’t you missing something here, lad? I exist. You were wrong. Period.”

“That reminds me! Why did you make women get —”

“I’m going to stop you right there, son. I see that you were a lawyer down below. Damn it, I hate lawyers!”

“You swore! That’s actually cool. But won’t the Devil get you now?”

“Who? Luci? He and I are friends, more than friends, actually. We like giving each other space.”

“Wow! Now that was something I’d never have expected.”

“Honestly, son, you really think you humans came up with everything?  What blasphemy! Besides, it’s not even like we have fixed forms... pronouns don’t apply to us, you see. So it’s all cool.”

“Ugh. Wren and Martin’s –”

“What was that?”

“Nothing! Nothing, I just remembered something.”

“Now really! Do you think they call me omniscient for nothing? Don’t lie to me, son, you’ve dug quite a grave for yourself already... Oh dear me! Dug a grave! I do crack myself up, ha ha!”

“So this is why bad puns are so popular...”

“Hey! I heard that! Tsk, tsk. Such insolence! But no matter, I’m the one scanning your file at the moment – I’d watch my mouth if I were you. My my! I believe (oh dear me, I made a funny! Ehehehe!) your manner of transition was one of the funniest I have ever executed! Oh look, another one! I am on a roll tonight, ha ha ha!”

“Er, is there even night here? Seriously, you are very strange. Could you just hurry up and decide on what is to become of me?”

“Keep that up and I’m going to tie you up and spank you. I get bored so often here – the kinky stuff cheers me up!”

“Heavens!”

“Excellent! Now we’re on the same page! Since you have indeed acknowledged me (finally!) I feel that I could be a tad bit generous with you. After all, you did slip on a banana, fall flat on your cute little bottom and have a stray hammer fall five storeys upon your skull.”

“Ah. That’s certainly very kind of you.”

“Was that sarcasm, you saucy solicitor? I feel as though I may change my mind... Oi, Pete! Come here!”

“Sir, yes, sir!”

“What should I do with this doddering disbelieving dodo?”

“Yes, Sir?”

“Oh never mind, I forgot I was as asking a Yes-Man. No matter. Hmm, your file is rather interesting. I had almost forgotten all about you, otherwise I’m sure I’d have sent you more ‘friendly’ reminders of my existence. Still, oh dear! You’re actually a decent person, and a lawyer too, how ghastly! It is sure to egg on the other atheists, oh my! Hmm – no, I’m not liking this one bit...”

“Okay! What terrible things did I do?”

“Well, it’s more like the terrible things that you did not do, in spite of being an awfully arrogant atheist! You work for the UN too, damnations! Seems like I don’t really have cause to punish you – apart from the crime of being a disbeliever, of course. But then, sadly, it says here that in the latest Divine Conference I ruled in favour of not harassing such people should they redeem themselves otherwise. Now what would make me do such a thing? Ah! That was the day the absinthe – oh, never mind!”

“Okay! So, er, what is the prognosis?”

“Hmm, as much as it pains me to say this, I don’t know.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know!?”

“I don’t! There’s never been a precedent for your case. The system I designed cannot deal with such an anomaly.”

“Anomaly!”

“Of course, I could always send you back with a splitting headache or disfigured for life... Now that would be fun! And it would also give me, er, I mean, you, more chances to make mistakes. Oh yes! That’s absolutely juicy!”

“What!”

“Yes, yes, I’ll just get Pete to do the paperwork. Here – you need to bleed a drop in this space.”

“No way am I going to go back disfigured! You can’t do that!”

“Of course I can. You do realise who you’re talking to, right? I’ll just get Pete to forge, I mean, clone a copy in your stead.”

“That’s it. I’ve had enough! You’re such a dogmatic autocratic despotic –”

“I’m bored of you already. Off you go then! Bye bye”

“—overbearing –”

“See you in a few decades!”

FIN

PS: Not meant to be taken seriously, with all due respect to Mr. Kapil Sibal and his ilk.