A Moment’s Pause

I’ve loved you with all of me
But now it seems I’ve given too much
When I look into the mirror
You’re all I see
I can’t see myself at all

The last few years have been
A roller coaster through heaven and hell
The highs felt like flying
Then from all the way up I fell unseen
I can’t find myself at all

Here we have a moment’s pause
To wonder when the love was lost
And if there even is a cause
To hold on to each other
The life we thought we’d have may be
Nothing but a made up melody
A tune that never shall be free
To be sung to another

Life goes on and people laugh
I’ve learnt to bury my broken heart
As I try to pull myself together
The smiling photograph now torn in half
I will see myself again

Today I’ve no regrets
At the end of this bend I’ll rest
No looking back as I stand strong
No more hedging bets
I will find myself again

 Here we have a moment’s pause
To wonder when the love was lost
And if there even is a cause
To hold on to each other
The life we thought we’d have may be
Nothing but a made up melody
A tune that never shall be free
To be sung to another

Forgiveness let’s us see
An open path to you and me
We fix ourselves and heal
A clean slate to start over
We are free
We are free

Here we have a moment’s pause
To wonder if the love was lost
And if there even is a cause
To drift away from each other
The life we think we’d have may be
Envisioned as a new melody
A tune that will set us free
Binding us to one another

Daydream

Dreams,

Beautiful, beguiling

Teasing, tempting, transforming,

Create carefully crafted cages.

Bracing, breaking, braving,

Sunlit, sanguine

Wakefulness.

Good Days

There are good days. And there are 'I can't get out of bed' days. Those are the days when you really need to give yourself little rewards to nudge yourself into activity. Stay occupied. Stay focused on a checklist of things to do.

This disease makes you speculate the worst reactions, the worst scenarios, and the worst consequences of actions. You know that you just need to go with it, and leave all important decisions for later, when you can breathe again, think again.

I know that I need to keep my day full of activities. Otherwise it's a descent into a maddening din of hopelessness. I know that my reactions right now are irrational, and not necessarily my actual ones. I'm just looking to feel something, be it anger, be it grief, be it the hypothetical satisfaction of a thousand unspoken conversations. I want to curl up in a corner and not move, but need to force myself to anyway.

It's time to accept that this part of my life is back. I can even pinpoint the events that re-triggered the onslaught of this debilitation. All I understand is that, on these days, I need to keep moving, and hope the mental paralysis will pass with the dawning of a new day.

2016, you bitch. You were not what I imagined you would be. Thanks for at least packing in a lot of good travel.

Time Lapse

One minute of rage -

One hundred lines of laughter

Erased by a frown.

A Pause

Looks like we're headed down a steep decline

The peak of the hill holds memories of wild happy days

It's good to remember them, somehow

Even though our paths no longer entwine.

Words can't repair a disconnect so deep

When you don't hear me at all

As we drive past the greenery

All I can do is fall asleep.

You made my fire burn brighter just a few winters back

Cold ashes remain, the same colour as snow

The chill in the air embraces my numbness

While life pirouettes gracefully off track.

The ebb and flow of music in the car

Leaves me with a wry smile as I drift in and out of a daze

The road stretches ahead long and lonely

The end obscured and too far.

Inertia

I feel as though I live two lives these days. Work is a necessary distraction from the searing numbness that fills me. Getting out of bed each morning is a task. I somehow get ready for work, and only then feel like I can move again. Once there, I talk, smile, converse, compute. Another day goes by. The method acting of being ‘normal’ is the closest I get to feeling such. Peel away the outer layer and there's nothing but an abyss of emptiness staring back.

Some days it is hard to breathe. In the middle of my day, I find my chest constricted, the act of breathing trapped somewhere between my lungs and the synapses of my brain. On other days, it is so easy to get carried away by an idea, the brilliance of people around and the great goal we strive for. Until I remember, I happily forget.

I'm not even sure why I feel, or don't feel this way. The hardest part is getting out of the inertia of immobility, and doing something that reminds me of myself. My strong sense of self preservation ensures that I park it for another day.

I go through the motions of regular routine, tracing the steps of a somnambulist. An automaton operating on the tenets of Duty, Routine, and Responsibility. The rest of me is sleeping somewhere, the soul music locked away.

Is everything fine? I'm not sure. Do I want things to change? I don't know. Can I help myself? Who knows?

I will not pause my life for anyone. 

Black Hole

It's funny how the tides have turned. Steady ground turned into turbulent waves. You used to be my strength once. Now you pull me down every day.

The taste of sweetness does not get fossilised with time. Only shadows of bones can be preserved. You build yesterday with that today.

Moving miles has brought no added kindness. Nights pull me further into the black hole. I know that in time, I will be fine, not for any other reason but that there's no other way to live.

My path is one with only shadows for company. In time that will be enough.

Hello

My heart a-flutter,

Palpitations so intense;

Hello hangover.

Marrow

You've silenced my thoughts,

Bathed my marrow with despair;

This night is endless.

That Feeling

Numbness of any sort is terrible for you. Pain is an indicator of something being wrong. It's the body's natural signal to make you get off your arse and do something about the problem. However, any kind of chronic pain leaves you mostly numb. In the attempt to help you live with constant pain, numbness actually takes focus away from the source and lets the problem persist.

Inaction and defeat go hand in hand. You're not sure if you're in the correct frame of mind to take any decisions. The only certain feeling is that there's something missing, but you can't articulate what it is. The mental paralysis adds to the helplessness.

I think this is where I am right now. And I'm not sure what will get me out of this. 

Last Day

The last day of the year means that there is a lot of wrapping up to do. Old worries, old fears, old habits, all to be let go of like the old year.

We do this exercise every year. Promises and resolutions that lend us the strength to watch another year unfold with all its uncertainty. You get that last minute rush of courage as you chug down another shot. A new year beckons new hopes. And really, that is what sees us though year after year.

The last day of the year already has Google counting down the hours in the latest doodle.

Here is what I have in mind, to be a better person next year:

- Listen more

- Dream more

- Give more

- Laugh more

- Destress

- Make more music

- Be driven, yet content

- Be focused, but also flexible

- Travel to at least one new country, alone if need be

- Tone down on pettiness

There's a lot more that I need to work on, but I'll take it bit by bit.

Here's hoping that 2016 brings more love, less violence and great moments!

Happy New Year!

Solidarité

Why is the world burning?
The stream of bullets ringing louder
Than any music that unites;
Leave bloodshed at the door
That separates humans from demons,
For the same blood flows from one vein to another
Enlivening one soul to the next.

Why does the world forget?
The road to a better place
Is sealed the moment you harm another,
Faith in metal answers can only condemn
When it is the same thought uttered in different tongues
The same hope reflected in different coloured eyes;
Skin-deep differences keep us vexed.

The world and its people will go on
For every demon that rises and falls,
Standing in solidarity
Speaking the language of compassion,
Of tolerance and love;
For every bullet, a door will open
And leave closed minds forever perplexed.

~*~

RIP. #PrayforParis

Homecoming

The last week has rushed by much faster than I'd have liked. Anyone whose heart is stretched across lives and cities will often wish for the power to speed up and slow down time.

It's been well over a year, but goodbyes are just as hard as they were before. My way of dealing is to ignore them till the last minute. The dam bursts when the physical reality of it comes crashing down.

It's hard to leave home behind. The most curious thing is that whenever I return, it takes me a really long time to start thinking of it as my home again. It's just when I have to leave that I want to turn back the clock and relive everything again.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. The incessant rain, which has basically been the nearby cyclone casting feelers, made it impossible to venture out. A part of me wonders whether the predicted deluge could lead to my flight back getting cancelled. I know my mum will be upset that I'll go away again, and not mention it even once. I'm sure that dad will once again go over a bunch of things that he thinks I'll forget at the last minute, his way of being helpful. Bro will probably actually stop his video game for a whole minute to say goodbye, and maybe give me a hug too. Right now, though, as the seconds itch towards tomorrow, I wish that time would stop for a bit, and give me at least one more night at home.

Live And Let Die

Our fears motivate our actions as much as our hopes do. Far too much time goes by worrying about what others think and how they will react. I've usually not cared too much, which gets me regarded as an aloof person. I've found, of late that much of the irrational behaviour that I've encountered recently has its roots in the insecurities that people have.

The fear of 'losing face' is so strong in some that everything else gets forgotten. When I break the behaviour down into this, all I feel is pity of sorts. There's so much more to life than wasting one's time on things beyond one's control. So much to discover, with even your next breath not something that can be taken for granted. Life's true pleasures don't lie in what people say to your face.

I'm sure everyone has his or her own set of parameters that define what makes life worth living. For me it's always come back to being able to create art of some sort, be it in the form of photographs, music or even songs sung in the middle of the night. That, and the people I care deeply about. I've thought much about it, and realized that I don't really need other people to feel fulfilled. The loved ones who are there in my life are cherished more because I care for and want them, not because I need them. The recent solo trip helped me realise how quickly you adapt and become completely self-reliant.

So coming back to the topic, it is troubling that insecurities play such a major part in actions. Overcompensating becomes a way of life, even at the cost of ethical compromise. I'm not sure if I could live with myself if I ever got to that stage. But you never know when life makes you experience things you never thought you would. I hope it never comes to that, and that I have the courage to confront my fears instead of letting them define who I am.

For the moment, the best thing I can say to myself is, "live and let die".