Killer Intuition?

Date: 13.06.2007
Time: 7:35 p.m.

Killer intuition. These two words are repeatedly playing inside my head, over and over again. Killer intuition — keen intuition. Killer intuition — intuition that kills? Is it possible for something utterly devastating to happen just because you felt a cold shiver run down your spine all of a sudden, telling you that it would? Killer intuition?

Can you simply know the answer to a question without even asking it? Is such a thing real? Is it possible? Or is it a merely a string of coincidences that are repeating themselves? Even if it is possible, the question that arises is, ‘How?’

Somewhere in the world, during every moment of an individual’s life, another person is witnessing a great upheaval in his or her life. Some immense tragedy might strike a dear friend while you are breathing a sigh of relief at your own change of fortune. Another person might associate a day with disaster while you equate that same day with decision. You may be spending the evening in the company of loved ones while another person is stunned into silence at the loss of one. When does the tide turn? How does one know? How do different people react to a situation? How is it that most can be blissfully unaware of events that do not directly concern them? How does a person come to terms with loss and grief? And how in the world can another person know without asking? Is it killer intuition?

How does a person react to knowing and feeling then? Should the person be wary of it, keeping in mind the numerous occasions when this attribute has been accurate in the past? And what about guilt? Does guilt play any part at all in this, or is it just my imagination?

Well then, imagine this: your own day has been spent at ease. You have taken a positive step towards reclaiming your life and you have spent a rare, pleasant evening. Then, all of a sudden, you have this disturbing momentary flash regarding another person and you impulsively decide to act on that gut feeling. When you talk to that person, instead of your usual manner of opening a conversation, you ask the very question you had a premonitory feeling about. And your gut is proven right. Do you feel shocked? Astounded? Guilty? Is this killer intuition?

What can you do to help? What can you do when you find someone deeply upset? How can you be supportive and show solidarity without being intrusive or taking away that person’s right to grieve? How do you find the right words to say? Do you say them? How do you know?

Intuition does not have all the answers then, does it?

End: 8:00 p.m.

Of Boredom and Indecision

It is boring to be bored. And I don't like being bored, or messed up, or confused or indecisive. I feel like Hamlet. It's sick. Really. Really sick. I just thought that I'd taken a decision I'd stick to and here I am, already feeling unsure. Perhaps I should get myself re-christened, something along the lines of "She-who-vacillates-to-such-an-extent-that-the-sun-would-long-become-a-white-dwarf-by-the-time-she-makes-up-her-mind". But that would be too long. Hamlet the Second? NO! I don't think so. Ugh, see? I rest my case ... I simply cannot make up my mind. People like me should be hung upside down by their toenails and made to dangle from jagged parapets. I'm such a pathetic excuse for a human being. Oh look, how nice! Now I've reverted to emo-mode! Being bipolar sucks as well. It's crummy and awful and stressful. I don't like it. I'm bored. I don't like being hyper either. I feel exhausted. Like my brain just exploded. I'm tired of everything (back to emo-ness *sigh)! And iTunes has a mind of its own. It comes up with the lamest possible song variations on Party Shuffle right when you want to avoid songs like those with a ten-foot pole. For instance, right now, I'm in the mood for some Floyd and it's playing Michael Learns To Rock. Yuk! Why did I even add those stupid songs to my Library? It sure knows how to annoy people properly. Perhaps I should take lessons from it. My head hurts. Again. And I think I need to take Kali. Phos. again. Stupid. Useless. Horrible. Annoying. Argh. I'm tired ... again. And bored. And confused. And dazed enough to forget all my stickler-rules for proper grammar and formatting while posting. I don't know whether I'm making the right choice now. I think I'll probably go there tomorrow and end up impulsively choosing something else. Over-simplification. Yes. I want that. NOW. How nice it would be if the world were less complicated! I feel like singing Imagine now. And I should bop myself on the head with the emergency lamp next to my laptop. It would be interesting. My reaction, that is. Insomnia is stupid and evil. It gets on your nerves and makes you act as though you're still reeling from smelling your boots just to see if you're 'strong' enough to take it. Not that I smell my boots. Just thought I'd make that clear. In case funny people get funny ideas. I'm loony. Might as well get used to it. Ah, Linkin Park. Finally. And I've been asked to go to sleep now. I wish it were permanent though. Le sigh.

MUWAHAHAHAHA

You most resemble Marlon Brando You are very smart, and very talented, although you don’t really enjoy social company. You prefer to live alone, go to movies alone, cry alone in the corner... Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Heh heh heh heh.

You Are 84% Creative

You are an incredibly creative person. For you, there are no bounds or limits to your creativity. Your next creation could be something very great... Or at least very cool!

How Creative Are You?

Yay! I'm happy now.

Your IQ Is 140

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Genius

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Hah! Rubbish!

You Are 89% Borderline

It seems like you have borderline personality disorder. Seriously consider seeking help, even if you think you don't need it.

Do You Have a Borderline Personality?

Help? Don't make me laugh! MUWAHAHAHA! Pft!

Your Learning Style: Personal and Passionate

You are very flexible and curious about the world. Human understanding is very important to you. You Should Study: Anthropology Architecture Art Art history Art therapy Classics Counseling Foreign Languages and Literature International Studies Linguistics Literature Psychology Sociology Teaching

What Should You Study?

Hmmm. I like some of the ideas actually.

You Are a Night Person

For you, there's nothing worse than having to get up and moving early. In fact, you probably don't hit your peak until well after the sun has set. So if your struggling to make it on a normal schedule, realize it's not your fault. You just weren't meant to do anything during the day!

Are You a Morning Person or Night Person?

I knew it! Thank you! Now I need to show this evidence to my mother.

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything. You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey. You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

True. I am distant, but that's because it is my blog. Duh. Purple? Hah. I still prefer a black blog.

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel. At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well. At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn. Your Fixation: Envy Your Primary Fear: To have no identity Your Primary Desire: To find yourself Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.

What Number Are You?

Apt assesment.

You are 80% Leo

How Leo Are You?

Roar!

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

Le sigh

You Have Your Sarcastic Moments

While you're not sarcastic at all times, you definitely have a cynical edge. In your opinion, not all people are annoying. Some are dead! And although you do have your genuine moments, you can't help getting your zingers in. Some people might be a little hurt by your sarcasm, but it's more likely they think you're hilarious.

How Sarcastic Are You?

You think???

Your Element Is Fire

Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame. You make sparks fly, and your passion always has the potential to burst out. You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable. You sometimes exercise control, and sometimes you let yourself go. Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive. Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.

What's Your Element?

Burn baby, burn! MUWAHAHAHA!

You Are a Good Friend Because You're Supportive

You are almost like a life coach for your best friends. You give them help when they need it... but you also know when to give them a push. People tend to rely on you for moral support and advice. You've probably always been mature for your age, so this is a role that's you're comfortable with. A friend like you is one of the rarest kinds. You are both a good mentor and companion. Your friends need you most when: They are confused or worried You really can't be friends with: Someone who only wants to complain Your friendship quote: "The only way to have a friend is to be one."

What Makes You a Good Friend?

Hmm. The only thing I'm certain of is that I don't like people who only like to complain and would go to no end to beg for attention.

Your Career Type: Artistic

You are expressive, original, and independent. Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art. You would make an excellent: Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer Dancer - DJ - Graphic Designer Illustrator - Musician - Sculptor The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary.

What's Your Ideal Career?

Comedian, huh? Heh heh. Yeah, I would hate boring old routine jobs.

Your Vocabulary Score: A+

Congratulations on your multifarious vocabulary! You must be quite an erudite person.

How's Your Vocabulary?

Yayness! (Although that response might have made the test-makers rethink my score).

Your Hidden Talent

You're super sensitive and easily able to understand situations. You tend to solve complex problems in a flash, without needing a lot of facts. Decision making is easy for you. You have killer intuition. The right path is always clear, and you're a bit of a visionary.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Ok?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Musical Intelligence

Every part of your life has a beat, and you're often tapping your fingers or toes. You enjoy sounds of all types, but you also find sound can distract you at the wrong time. You are probably a gifted musician of some sort - even if you haven't realized it. Also a music lover, you tend to appreciate artists of all kinds. You would make a great musician, disc jockey, singer, or composer.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Oh this makes me so happy! :D

You Are 96% Bipolar

You have some serious ups and downs, maybe to the point of endangering your own life. Consult a doctor to see if you may truly have bipolar disorder.

Are You Bipolar?

H A H A H A H A! What a joke.

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"Goodbye. I am leaving because I am bored."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

Goodness! How hilarious! But that is a lot like me, heh.

Your Theme Song is Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd

"There is no pain, you are receding. A distant ship�s smoke on the horizon. You are only coming through in waves." You haven't been feeling a lot lately, and you think that's a good thing. The comfortable part is nice... but you should really work on numb.

What's Your Theme Song?

Ah ... very true.

You Are 92% Tortured Genius

You totally fit the profile of a tortured genius. You're uniquely brilliant - and completely misunderstood. Not like you really want anyone to understand you anyway. You're pretty happy being an island.

Are You a Tortured Genius?

Ha ha. Seriously?

People Envy Your Ingenuity

You're a person with unique ideas, big plans, and a zany outlook on life. Many people look to you for inspiration. People envy your creativity and "who cares?" attitude. They feel very ordinary next to you - and they usually are!

What Do People Envy About You?

I see. But why? Why envy? There's plenty of place for everyone!

Epiphany

Date: 06.06.2007
Time: 11:38 p.m.

Surging feelings
Repressed for now
Lost and confused
My mind wanders far
Looking for that full circle now
The epiphany, when all will be clear.

That twinkle missing
No trace of a smile
The music stopped
And the words forgotten
Looking for that full circle now
My epiphany, when all will be clear.

I’m waiting for it to come to me
I’m waiting for some clarity
A sign … a light
That tells me where to go
I’m waiting for the epiphany
I’m hoping to find some peace within me
A ray of hope
That shows me where to go
Where to go …

The ghost of meaning
The silent whisper
Lost among faces
Nothing can be discerned
Looking for that full circle now
The epiphany, when all will be clear.

Fleeting images
Fading laughter
That rings so hollow
With silence … despair
Looking for that full circle now
My epiphany, when all will be clear.

I’m waiting for it to come to me
I’m waiting for some clarity
A sign … a light
That tells me where to go
I’m waiting for the epiphany
I’m hoping to find some peace within me
A ray of hope
That shows me where to go
Where to go …

Where to now?
I’m not sure
But I’ll have to figure it out

I’m waiting for it to come to me
I’m waiting for some clarity
A sign … a light
A note … a sight
For peace, for life
I’m waiting for the epiphany.

End: 11:50 p.m.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

You Are a Drama Queen (or King)

And the oscar goes to... you!You're all about overreacting and just plain acting.You see the world as your stage, and give a great performance. And while you're friends may find you entertaining at times...Everyone's secretly hoping that you'll just chill a little.(But they'd never tell you - they fear your wrath!)

Are You a Drama Queen (or King)?

True true true!!! O truth so true that no other truth seems as true....

Er, you get the point, don't you? *Rolls eyes* *Raises eyebrow* *Wiggles eyebrows*

Oh, forget it!

You Are 98% Non Conformist

You're incredibly strange. And a weirdness like yours takes skill to cultivate!No one really understands you. And you're cool with that. You just hope you never have to understand them!

Are You a Nonconformist?

Woo woo! I know, I know! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

You Are 76% Manic

You're so energetic, it's almost like you have a superpower.If you can dream it, you can do it. And without stopping for sleep.Just make sure you harness your energy for good - not evil!

Are You Manic?

Me? Evil? Bleh. Blurgh. Gnorlarf! Hmph.

Your Mind is 67% Cluttered

Your mind is quite cluttered. And like most clutter, it's a bunch of crap you don't need.Try writing down your worst problems and fears. And then put them out of your mind for a while.

How Cluttered is Your Mind?

For your information, I have very er, important things on my mind!!! It is NOT a bunch of crap! Hmph.

You Should Be an Actor

You have a flair for the dramatic, and you probably already do a lot of acting in your day to day life, just to entertain yourself.No need to steal the spotlight from your friends... You'll get plenty of attention once you start acting professionally!

What Sort of Artist Should You Be?

Acting? Music? Writing? Drawing?

I'm so confused!!!

You Should Be a Film Writer

You don't just create compelling stories, you see them as clearly as a movie in your mind.You have a knack for details and dialogue. You can really make a character come to life.Chances are, you enjoy creating all types of stories. The joy is in the storytelling.And nothing would please you more than millions of people seeing your story on the big screen!

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Sounds cool!

You Are a Centaur

In general, you are a very cautious and reserved person.However, you are also warm hearted, and you enjoy helping others in practical ways.You are a great teacher, and you are really good at helping people get their lives in order.You are very intuitive, and you go with your gut. You make good decisions easily.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

Oooh! Interesting...

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama.Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time...But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you.You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Really?

You Are 10 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Gurgles. Wheee!

You Have A Type A Personality

You are hyper, energetic, and always on the moodYou tend to succeed at everything you attemptAnd if you don't succeed at first, you quickly climb your way to the top! You could be called a workaholic, but you also make time for funAs long as it's high energy and competitive, you're interestedYou have the perfect personality for business and atheltic success

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

O_o That is dangerous!

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important.You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Is that so?

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

?

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive. Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all menYou are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

No wonder I always feel lonely...

You Are an Emo Rocker!

Expressive and deep, lyrics are really your thing.That doesn't mean you don't rock out...You just rock out with meaning.For you, rock is more about connecting than grandstanding.

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

Oh yeah!

Well, I've just been stupid enough to bare my soul completely. Have fun coming up which shrewd and wicked ways of manipulating me.

These are a few of my favourite things ...

Date : January exams, 2007 ; Language paper
Time : Morning, in the cold

“Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favourite things…”

Thus sang Julie Andrews as Maria in “The Sound of Music”. While she may have felt inspired to sing of her favourite things during a thunderstorm, for me, thinking of my favourite things does not require thunderstorms. I only need to close my eyes for a while and before I know it, I find myself thinking of all the things that I love the most.

It is quite picturesque when I imagine myself standing high on a snow-crested peak, looking at the golden rays of light softly caressing the silvery-white tops of the mountains before my eyes. I have always been fascinated by the mountains, especially the snow-covered giants, which have a purplish hue. Majestic and elegant, these awe-inspiring monoliths epitomize beauty that is set off by élan and grace. It is no wonder then that when I think of my favourite things, I always think of the mountains.

The rain that drops ceaselessly from the broken sky during the monsoon seems dark, dreary and depressing to many people. However, flitting about in the rain and tasting the drops as they descend one by one on my face is something that I always look forward to. The rain brings with it new hope as it is intercepted by the parched leaves of trees, thirsty for a fresh drop. As the leaves soak up the moisture, they are refreshed, rejuvenated, and an aura of new life encompasses them. I love watching these leaves glistening with rain-drops on their surfaces, I love the fragrance of the fresh earth that spreads everywhere after the rains. One of my earliest memories is splashing in the rain with my father. Yes, the rain is quite certainly one of my favourite things.

The thrill of an adventure, the rush of adrenaline through one’s veins as one contemplates a challenge ─ I revel in such an experience. The energy surging through my body makes me feel vibrant and alive! The shy smile that my brother gives me when he thanks me for helping him with something ─ the uncertain and hesitant tremble of his lips seeking permission to smile, wondering whether he is entitled to a brief flash of a grin, confused as to what the situation demands, it is something that makes my brother who he is ─ the shy and loving little soul. That smile of his conveys more than what a thousand words could. The touch of my mother’s hand on my shoulder ─ it makes me feel so much better when I am upset. She is gentle, understanding as well as comforting with that single touch. These are a few of my favourite things.

The soothing melody of an old piano and the way a single tap of the keys with my fingers gives away the emotion inside calms me when I feel troubled. I can feel the music resonating within me as I play the notes from memory. This feeling fills me with unimaginable joy ─ it may not be tactile, but I can still feel it in my soul, and it is one of my favourite things.

All the ‘little’ things such as small acts of courtesy and respect, concern and care, gladden me and reinforces the belief that the world is not the apathetic, indifferent and cruel place we often come to think of it as. When people give kindness and also appreciate kindness, the essence of humanity shines through the dour mask put on by most people. This brief moment in which the façade is dropped and the face unmasked is one of my favourite things.

When I open my eyes again, after thinking of my favourite things, I find myself re-living all the happy times. What I realize is that one does not have to be able to see everything; as long as the finer feelings can be perceived by the mind, the road remains conquerable. My favourite things are not objects that are transient and which wear away with time. They are images, memories and feelings, which I will always have with me. It is something that makes me feel content, and that is one of my favourite things.

Pain

Date : 30.05.2007
Time : 1:20 p.m.

I had another migraine attack last afternoon, and was a trifle held down by dehydration cramps today. What I felt on both occasions made me remember the complaints of people I know about the pains afflicting them, and set in motion a train of thought regarding the manner in which human beings respond to pain. How a person reacts to the perception of pain depends on the nature of pain, that is, whether it is acute, chronic or periodic, and also whether it is an agony felt by the body or the mind.

Pain is universal and omnipresent. Every living creature feels pain during its lifetime — it may be pin pricks, chemical shocks or high temperature for primitive forms, or a cut or a blow felt by humans. When a person encounters pain owing to bodily injury or illness, the sensation of pain takes precedence over all other senses and plunges the body into a defensive mode, one in which the natural self tries to restore order by locating the stimulus and taking measures to deal with it effectively. This involves millions of ‘little grey cells’ or neurons which, acting as though they have a mind of their own, send forth little sparks of electricity that control the individual’s reaction. Of course, it would be sheer naïveté to believe that it is as simple as that. However, somehow, the person manages to ‘deal with’ the pain, its amelioration being the result of sheer will or the action of analgesics, whatever may be the case.

Another form of pain is emotional or mental in origin, and when it grips a person, it seems to completely drain a person of will and motivation, sapping all the energy that allows him or her to face each day with energy. It is a slow, throbbing and lingering ache which hinders the human being, preventing him or her from taking pleasure in daily activities, silently reducing the individual to a mere shadow, a mere echo that turns away from all that gave joy in the past. Nothing appears to be able to alleviate matters and the person lets despondency rule, sinks into a quiet gloom and withers away while withdrawing from others, from humanity and from life itself.

In both these cases, even if it is for a moment, it feels as though the world has come to a standstill. At these moments, all one can feel is the excruciating pain — a pain that seems insurmountable, unbearable and unconquerable. After a while though, one gets accustomed to it. Perhaps the pain gets dulled with the passage of time. Perhaps it is because of the pretence of bravery, an attempt to ‘save face’ in public. Perhaps, a person simply stops being aware of the pain. Whatever the reason, one moves on, or convinces oneself that one has.

End : 1:50 p.m.

Leading to Reading

My little brother has taken to reading! This is truly a cause for major celebration. He is actually reading. In fact, he has been coming to me and asking me meanings of words new to him and using me as the walking-talking dictionary cum thesaurus that I am considered to be by many who know me! Of course, this implies that I’ll be attending the funeral of that book within the space of a few days, but still, this is glorious news! My little brother, who is mortally afraid of the printed word, has finally decided to read a book on his own … without any of us forcing or coaxing him to do so. Oh, this is rich, very rich indeed!

Inauguration

These words are being typed from a very special instrument devised by technocrats for themselves. I love it and feel glad to have acquired it at last.


PS: I seem to be in love with the inanimate, non?

A Window to my World [II]

I'm relieved. That's the only way to describe what I feel. I've made the best of a very bad situation, and placed myself in a position that is not half bad. That is one less thing to worry about. Hopefully, now, I will have an easier time falling asleep. The Kalium Phos. continues, but the good thing is that now it is actually working.

Music, as always, is going a long way in making my days better. I'm getting better at the guitar ... picked up what I call the ‘sliding’ move a few days back. I've come to the point at which I can play any melody as long as I know the tune well. I hope to start my official lessons next month. My piano lessons continue to be great fun. I've mastered “Canon” — although I was adept at playing the right hand music, earlier, I could only play the entire composition slower than its normal time. Now, I’ve got the right speed and it sounds lovely, just the way it should.

Of late, I’ve also gone back to pencil sketches. I sketched two portraits in the last two days. I had felt like brushing up my shading. Perhaps, I’ll scan them and put them up here. Personally, I think the first looks constipated, although my mother said that the face looked troubled and perplexed. My guess is that constipation can do that to a person. However, I simply cannot draw smiling people! In any case, I’ve achieved my purpose, which was to check whether I can still draw. I can, but there is definitely room for improvement.

I’m going to go and get Minutes To Midnight as soon as I can. Today, I will start reading “The Three Faces of Eve” — another book about multiple personality disorder. I quite liked “Sybil” and am very glad that my own mother is not like Hattie Dorsett. Sybil’s story is another one which has stuck a chord inside me. People have difficult lives, but they learn to live with all that … they learn to be happy in spite of everything. It’s the kind of message which I needed to hear, anyway.

At present, I am listening to random songs on iTunes, and I think that I’ll concentrate on doing that for a while. So, once again, I say, “That’s all folks!”

"nitwit" "oddment" "blubber" "tweak"

Date: 10.05.2007
Time: 10:30 p.m.

A few simple words can hold a world of meaning in them. They might seem unintelligible, or perhaps even border on the ridiculous to many, however, to some, these few words can be enough to transport the mind back to the time when everything was ‘normal’ (or at least, it appeared so), when people were less troubled and when some loved ones were still living. A few apparently nonsensical words can quite literally, work magic and charm their way through a person’s memories and make the ‘happy-times’ resurface, even if it is for a short while.

People hardly get chances to reflect on those odd moments when life is tranquil. It is only when some great upheaval has taken place that a person desperately tries to cling onto the past … hold on, and not let go of memories that are slowly becoming murky shadows and fading links day by day, memories that will remain as memories alone, for the past is not to be experienced once again as the present. This eleventh hour instinct prevalent in people makes, even the best of them, often forget that what is gone is truly gone. People cannot return from the dead. No amount of grief, despair, longing or desperation can change that law of nature.

Now, one way of dealing with death is by remaining in a state of shocked silence. Not speaking of it, not thinking about it — forcing those uncontrollable emotions of sadness, guilt, remorse, anguish and even anger into the deepest realms of the mind, where they remain suppressed, at least temporarily. Every time one of these emotions strays away into the conscious mind and softly nudges, it is bottled up once again and left to lurk in the shadows of subconscious depths. However, this can be sustained for only as long as a person remains living in delusion. The moment hope of reversal of events is gone, when the person emerges from the self-induced trance, the dam bursts, resulting in a surge of overwhelming feelings that break all barriers of reason and transform the person into a ‘human traffic wreck’.

At this stage, there is nothing else to be done — you let yourself be consumed by those very emotions you were running away from … the emotions, which intensified on being denied expression for so long. After you are spent, you revert back to that numb and shell-shocked state, hoping that you have the strength to survive each day that lies unendurably before you.

It is at times like these that a few words uttered by one long gone when life was serene, help steady a person and bring a dash of tranquillity back into the picture. You can draw strength from those words, laugh at them or even release that breath you’ve been holding for so long — and you are not mentally hyperventilating anymore.

“Nitwit”, “oddment”, “blubber” and “tweak” — words uttered by a man who will live on forever in the hearts of those who are truly loyal, although he may no longer reside within the pages of a magnificent alternate world created on paper. These words serve as a reminder of better times which had existed in the past and might also exist in the future if one cares to live to see it change into the present. Just four words hold both the power to inspire and the bracing touch that tells a person that death never has, never will, and cannot ever bring life to a standstill.

So, I go back to the past, relive a few good moments, and return to the present to face the future, saying, ‘Nitwit oddment blubber tweak!’

End: 11.10 p.m.

Square One

There... I knew it was too good to last. I'm back to square one again. Sick.

One Week

You are one-week old today. I am so proud of you, and am thrilled at how you've affected my life in such a wonderful way within such a short space of time. I feel happy simply holding you and just know that we are going to be supporting each other throughout the long journey ahead. I love you, my bee-you-tee-full guitar! I promise to take very good care of you (even though I tore your belt by accident today, but don't worry, that can be fixed easily). My fingers are always here for you, my precious ... (okay, I sound like Gollum now.) Thank you so much for lighting up my life with the music I've wanted for ages! Even sore or bleeding fingers will not stop me from playing you, for you are definitely worth all of it.

Restoration

Date: 03.05.2007
Time: 5:30 p.m.

I took out my roller-skates today, after a very long time. I don’t even remember when I last skated. Was it three … no, four years ago? I’m not sure. I don’t know what made me take them out, clean them, adjust them and use them again. Perhaps I had been wishing to do so for a long time; at a subconscious level, I wanted to reach within my memories and draw out those times when I had felt happy … and free.

It felt quite liberating actually. I wasn’t just skating. It wasn’t just the wind beating against my frame as I sped on gleefully. It wasn’t just the rush of adrenaline that I felt when I nearly ran into the gate after an ill-manoeuvred turn at high speed. No, it was so much more! For once, I was in harmony with myself. For once, I was content — satisfied with myself and happy about what I was doing at that time. It was as though there was a slight chance that my life was actually worth living … as though some of the wounds had finally healed, some part of my dormant soul had awakened and was willing to give life another shot. It is rather strange how the simple act of skating started the process of restoration. It was a brief moment during which I felt as though I might begin to enjoy breathing once more.

I’ve no idea how long this feeling of, I can’t really call it hope but that’s the closest word I can think of right now, will last. I’m always alternating between extreme exuberance and dismal depression. This manic depressive behaviour does not make life any easier for me and makes me somewhat akin to an unpredictable mystery to the people around me, who feel that there are times when I lose my cool for no apparent reason whatsoever. Right now, experiencing something close to peace of mind is something that I find unsettling in itself … a bit odd, rather unusual. Middle-ground — now that’s certainly something new.

I haven’t been the happiest person these last years. I haven’t been able to hold on to those fleeting moments of joy and be as productive as I am expected to be. There have been many things to deal with — death, loss, disappointment, disillusion, shattered dreams, challenges, and the road hasn’t always been an easy one to follow. However, today, I do feel that there is a possibility that I can live through all this — I might not be allergic to life after all!

Today, while roller-skating, I remembered some of the times when I had felt glad and encouraged. For a while, I was disconnected from everything around me, even myself, as I let my mind wander down the healing lane. I basked in the glory of the soft sunlight slowly saying goodbye for the day, the red and orange sky, interspersed with clouds shaped like dreams, the calls of the birds making one last round of their domain before heading home at the end of the day … and I felt alive.

End: 6:10 p.m.

A Window to my World

Here's a brief newsflash regarding my oh-so-important life ... (yeah right! As if ... but you are welcome to read on anyway).

Today, I picked up the Love Story theme on the guitar (all by myself, yay!). My musical endeavours are turning out quite well, much to my satisfaction. I can now play the Etude op. 10-3 "Chanson De L'adieu" by Chopin flawlessly (on the piano) and have picked up the right hand music of Chopin's Valse op. 64-1 "Petit chien", something which I had to work hard on for a while. Although I can play the left hand single-note chords, it'll be a while before I can actually play the entire composition without a glitch. It's a toughie but I am not afraid. (Hear that, my dear little piece? I am not afraid of you! I will conquer you, so there!)

There wasn't a power-cut today! I had felt certain that knowing the sadists at the Electricity department, there would definitely be a power-cut today just when I'd be sitting down to watch Grey's Anatomy. That's what happened last week, and the week before. Well, I shouldn't be complaining. Thank goodness for small mercies anyhow!

I am still very confused about the future. I suppose that I should just resign myself to my Fate and see what developments take place. I am in serious need of some introspection here, and I need to kick myself awake. Procrastination will not do at all.

Ah well, I feel too lazy to write more at present. (Note to self: Get rid of your indolence!) That's all folks! Thank you for tuning in. Goodbye.