A Fool's Luck

Date: 29.05.2009
Time: 5:58 p.m.

Things have not been going particularly well. The last few months have been strange and hard and there have been changes at home. A cyclone had come by our place, not recently, but two months ago. We are one member short now and although everyone is going about their lives as best as they can, the house does feel a lot more empty. It’s indeed funny how one occupied corner could make it look fuller.

In any case, my luck cycle is at its all time low and I don’t recount a previous occasion when it had been this bad for such a long stretch of time. I have grumbled a lot and been annoyed at many people for numerous reasons. The strangest thing, however, is how wondrously so many threads that I held securely in my palm once upon a time, have disintegrated and left behind only dust. And I don’t know if that is a situation where the blaming game has any role to play.

There is one relationship that I thought absolutely secure as a child, which is growing steadily worse. New strength and ties have been discovered in another, yet there are so many other ties that reek only of disappointment. I am not sure if it is wrong to expect a certain level of respect and understanding. Maybe it is; which is why those closest to me disappoint me so. I guess I hope for too much.

On a comparatively less grave note, the lizard problem plaguing me has reached such a high that there are too many of them now for me to be scared. I have taken to watching them idly when I am reclining on the rocking chair in one room, or a sofa in another. Just this evening, I was aimless enough to watch an adult lizard await its lady (or should it be ‘lizardly’?) love outside a bookshelf crevice close to the ceiling. I am certain that this occupation would not have arisen had I not had so many examinations to sit for.

Speaking of which, a part of today’s torture session left me with the desire to curse my torturer with the most prolonged and painful death. However, I would rather not dwell on this debacle for there are certainly many more to come. Perhaps relief will show itself one fine rainy day when I truly get to believe that all will be well. It’s back to the grind till then.

End: 6:19 p.m.

Out of a Summerian Haze

Date: 14.05.2009
Time: 8:35 p.m.

So here I am, after almost a month, sitting at the comp. and writing about how I have been. It’s a rather vague question with a vague answer unless chronologically put. I haven’t had any time to write much or do anything constructive apart from appearing for one exam after another, which in my book, does not count as constructive. And they aren’t over yet. I’m just ‘lucky’ to have a shortish gap now with more ‘in-between’ gaps coming up that will make sure that my exams, which began in the beginning of May, will go on till the first week of June. Bugger.

But enough said about exams and how they’ve been annoying me to no end. I voted for the first time yesterday along with the rest of the city. And I won’t say anything else about that matter. Last night’s thunderstorm (I’ve been told that it was early in the morning and not at night, but I shall still say last night because I’d only just been able to fall asleep when the thunderclouds roared from afar) and the showers that the city experienced recently have finally ensured that I, along with the rest of us, am no longer ‘in a summerian haze’ but coming out of one instead. Thankfully. I don’t know when I’d last melted to this degree (no puns intended). Never, perhaps.

In any case, I haven’t felt the least bit inspired in a while and that itself should become gloomy enough a fact to become a source of inspiration soon enough. Sad, really, that I have to resort to this to get myself to write something. It’s the exams, I’ll harp. It’s the heat, I’ll whine… but to no avail. I’ve hated almost everything about this semester in college, starting from the downright horrid timetable to the abominable amounts my class had to study for each paper, from the abominable teaching in such a lot of the papers to the insane idea on behalf of the management to not give us any study leave. And yes, I am ranting about the exams again since I am just that effed up about them. Had one today, so.

Oh well, there have been good moments when I’ve had wonderfully stimulating conversations (oh I make it sound like I had some splendid tea) and managed to get away from the terrible grind with excellent company. It’s kept me alive so far and I hope that happy fact won’t change much, to the extent that I am rather looking forward to tomorrow. Oh but that will be another story.

One not so random thing that has been bothering me a lot lately is that there are just too many baby lizards scurrying around everywhere. I mean, even a few weeks back, I was under the impression that there was just one baby lizard on the drawing room wall. I wasn’t too pleased about its existence, given my love for lizards, but hey, it was just one measly little thing which I was hoping would choke itself to death everyday that I saw it. Imagine my condition when one fine evening I saw that there were three! All of the same size and equally disturbing to look at! I’d even encountered a big, fat, horrid and ugly one in the tiny bathroom adjoined to my room. It hid, goodness knows where, when I saw it and screamed loudly. Since then I’ve been spotting hidden lizards everywhere and have been rather neurotic about the lot. I wonder now if it is the lizard breeding season.

On a pleasant note, however, my balcony has been cleaned up after I campaigned for almost six months (to Dad) to have it cleaned. And I have taken it upon myself to feed all the little birds in the neighbourhood that can fit through the grills and find their way to food and water kept for them. Little sparrows have been flocking to the balcony by the dozen ever since and they chirp ever so cutely whenever they find food kept for them. They’re rather partial to cream cracker biscuits and fight over the large pieces. I’ve seen them hop and eat through a very slightly parted door. Another heartening thing is that there is a mynah nest on the air conditioner right across and the proud parents often come to the balcony for a bite. Yes, I have been birdwatching a lot. I’d even spotted a tailor bird one day! It was tiny. And very, very cute.

I’ll be very delighted once my exams are over and I’m free to spend the entire day watching these exquisitely adorable creatures. I’d even like to get hold of some potted plants… we haven’t had potted plants in the balcony in years. Wish me luck for the rest of the exams!

End: 9:05 p.m.

Cracked Up

This would be another pen and ink doodle made last night. I absolutely hate the fact that I lack a scanner and need to take pictures using a low resolution camera. :| Waiting for feedback!

PS: Shubho naboborsho to all the Bongs!

Floral Wall

I made this wallpaper (1600 x 1200) this afternoon after taking a picture of my mattress using the phone camera. :P It's basically photo-manipulated in Photoshop.

Happy Birthday Pweencie!

Yes so this is the Birthday post Prince Kazarelth of Fealdamar has requested. As Supreme Commander of the Penguin Army to which he belongs, I could not deny this vassal's request. So here it is:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PWEENCIE! Have an awesome year ahead, may life keep looking better and better with every day and may you be fulfilled in every way! :]

Here's wishing a wonderful birthday to an awesome friend!

PS: Pweencie promises not to get miffed at being called Pweencie. Right? :P

Little Bird

I was kissed by the petals of Spring
When a chill stole away its warmth
I had learnt to leap into sunlight
When I learnt I had grief unfulfilled
So beloved was I of sorrow
And sorrow most beloved of mine
That it spared me not from its shadow
As I was slowly spreading my wings,
It let me soar up into the bright sky
But only when it was night
Speaking gently to the starlight
Whispering with the moon's wan light
I could delight in the bejewelled wonders
Until I rose and flew too far
Upon which grief would call unto me
Reminding me of tears I had left to cry,
The oceans would weep with me
If the waters weren't reigned in by pride
Candid tears would flow most freely
If only they were mine to shed
I could only watch while others wept
And had sorrow flow out of their way
While grief accrued within my heart
Darkening my light and all that I see,
Yet I wonder if I'd know and still
Believe I am loved by Spring
For the joy of life and the urge to live
Have imbued my spirits with a fiery zeal
I wonder now if it is alright
To grieve and still know how to smile
To love what is gone yet let it go
And strive for those dizzying heights,
I would like to live in spite of death
For all the love given to me
Respect my grief but not be enslaved
And instead set myself free
The stars are mine to sing to with fire
And caress with my wingtips
The free little bird must awaken again
And return Spring's sweet kiss.

Lost Goodbye

Anya watched as she saw her grandfather being carried away in a stretcher, and she wondered if she would ever see him again. She also wondered if she would miss him if he weren’t to return.

Anya had been crying herself to sleep when she was stirred awake by the sounds. There was a lot of movement in the house. All the grown-ups had the same look on their faces — they looked worried and looked like they were trying to hide it. She had heard about widows, and had heard people talk sympathetically about them. Her six year old mind could not understand what all the fuss was about. She certainly never wanted to be one. But today, she wondered whether she would find her grandmother draped in white sooner than she’d thought.

Her grandfather had grunted feebly while being helped into the stretcher. He had also been strapped, so that he didn’t fall off, her father said. Still, the constraints disturbed Anya and she wondered again whether they would make her grandfather not wish to return.

She wanted to get back to sleep, get back to the time when she pulled her teddy-bears by their ears and dragged them across the floor. And she certainly did not like the grim, quiet pallor that had descended upon everyone’s faces. Within all the commotion, she knew, and she was okay with her grandfather not coming back. She had decided that she wouldn’t miss him after all, especially since he never stopped her grandmother from kicking the baby in a fit of rage or sending a plateful of food flying to the floor in a hasty tantrum. Such men were not to be depended upon, she thought.

Anya wanted to slip away quietly without anyone noticing. But she didn’t notice the old French window left wide open beside her. With one small footstep towards her left, she tumbled, and never returned.

Leafy Sprinkle

For some reason I was in a pretty creative mood today. Of course, it is quite likely that Internals and the need to study for them is the real reason behind that. I've noticed that I feel the greatest urge to write, sing or even draw during exams. I wrote today after ages... something too personal for the blog. However, there is this bit of digital art I made later in the evening.


It is 600 x 600 pixels and completely digital, with practically no stock picture, made using Photoshop, which I hardly know anything of. All said and done I think it would make a neat CD label. Feedback is welcome. :)

LA-isms

The visiting lecturer who takes Physics with my class this semester has absolutely no idea that she is teaching a class full of perverts, especially a majority of perverted girls. (RD, sitting to my left today, actually exclaimed, albeit to herself and me, “Ma’am, we are perverts!”) Neither does she realize what she says at certain points of times. Today’s class itself resulted in my frantic note taking, which should be read as frantic quote taking as the Ladies of the Last Row laughed themselves silly over all that was spoken. Suffice to say, I did not learn much Physics today.

12:26 p.m.
LA: (to the class) If you mumble like a penguin no one will hear you.
{This was accompanied by significant hand gestures reminiscent of the times when, as kindergarteners, I was taught the greater than and less than signs.}

1:10 p.m.
LA: Ummmnh? What will I cover? When will I cover?
{I refuse to cite the reference and spoil the effect the above has on pervy minds.}

1:15 p.m.
LA: When I am giving you a flavour of everything, I am not asking you to cook it, I am asking you to taste it... Don’t worry it is very interesting.
{The above clause applies here as well xP.}

1:25 p.m.
Class: (owing to very faint scribbles on the whiteboard) Ma’am, we can’t see.
LA: (very earnestly) Imagine.

1:45 p.m.
LA: How many of you have microwaves at home? Ok. When you use a microwave, what have you experienced?
Class: (highly amused at the coincidence of what is on display) Ma’am, the projector is overheating. It will burst.
{At this point, the entire class has broken into mad fits of giggly laughter.}

1:50 p.m.
LA: So you know that the brain, it comes till here (*points with both hands at some place in her head*) maybe till our eyes… it extends beyond the nose…
{The class is dying of laughter now.}
LA: How many of you have been X-rayed?

xD

Reflected Glow

I awoke to a dream of fireworks. Resplendent colours flashed across the sky and their patterns, reflected by the still waters of the lake cast many spells on my widening eyes. I had been flying again. Yet, all the vast stretches that I traversed, from the greens forgotten by man to cobwebbed shelves left dusty in the dark for all their loneliness, did not appeal much to my tears.

I had been following the lights. They seemed elusive at first, almost shy, but when one bright ball of assembled sparks shot up into the night it was only a visual symphony waiting to unfold. The colours assembled themselves and twirled lyrically to the sky’s delight. And mine. They zoomed towards the horizon, teased the waters to smile radiantly and mesmerized two small, dark orbs which seemed so much duller in contrast.

Since when had the night been dark enough to present the perfect stage? Since when had moonlight been dimmed in defeat to brighter bursts? No sounds emerged from the thicket nearby. Not a whisper from the wind, no rustling of tired leaves. The ground was set for the dazzling hues to set the night on fire.

And I watched to my heart’s content and flew along as I could. But the kaleidoscope always seemed just a heartbeat away. I could follow all I wanted, but I’d never be one with the lights. The closest I came to blending with the colours was when I left a kiss that rippled into the lake mirroring that glorious glow. The lights fled, however, as dawn approached, leaving a yearning soul dissatisfied, looking achingly towards east. That was as far as a mirror would go.

Within Peace

Date: 24.02.2009
Time: 8:03 p.m.

I’ve been rather accident prone of late. From accidental cuts, fever, scratches and a finger injury to various bruises which I don’t even remember acquiring, it has been quite an adventurous time for me. The funny thing is that I’ve been rather full, mainly in the sense that nothing seems to affect me much. I’ve actually stopped caring about so many things that I’m more at peace than I have been in a long time.

Yet, there is that quiet chill that makes me wonder if all of this is another stage of being ‘comfortably numb’. No, I haven’t been low. And there have been things which have made me genuinely happy. But it just isn’t like me to not react to annoyances such as taunts or disappointments. What is more surprising is that I am genuinely not giving a rat’s carcass about how I am being treated by most people. Or that I haven’t been able to keep in touch as much as I’d like with those who do understand and accept me. Or that there are very few people who I can truly be comfortable with without having to keep a certain distance. Whatever it is, I do hope that I don’t tire of it. Maybe I’m healthy now for a change, mentally, that is, and need to get used to a shade of normalcy.

The one thing which I am not particularly fond of at the moment is my workload this semester. I mean, it is rather pathetic to switch on the comp and log in to the Net only to download and study lectures. Add to that an extremely tiring schedule and you lose any energy you’d think you’d have to sit in the evening to write. I need some sort of inspiration. Education and related matters don’t quite fit the bill. Neither do fat, potentially pregnant lizards which invade the tiny bathroom attached to my room late at night to leave me entering the bathroom singing and running out screaming.

Domestic matters remain unresolved and I don’t think they ever will be sorted out. The people involved are much too old to change and I am too fed up to be ever-so-forgiving. Even then, strangely, I am living out each day without the dark clouds that used to perpetually linger around me not so long ago.

Perhaps this is how life is supposed to be. Whatever it is, I hope it doesn’t make me too tired, or too fulfilled to write, as it seems to be doing.

End: 8:22 p.m.

Loony Ladies of the Last Row

Date: 09.02.2009
Time: 1:45 p.m.

LD: (Looking extremely disgruntled in class while observing the Professor) Look, she’s acting as though she’s teaching little children in elementary school.

DM is sitting on LD’s left.

DM: (Keeping a straight face while looking at the Professor) Yes, she’s showing us pictures.

LD: Is that how you hold a book, Ma’am? (turning towards DM) Look! She’s tainting the sanctity of the book!

DM gives LD a characteristic look which says that LD is being randomly weird again.

LD: (continuing and ignoring DM’s “look”) She’s raping the purity of the book — She’s putting creases where no creases were before!

DM: …

LD: (quite agitated by now) She’s marking her territory in places where she has to right to!

DM: (very matter-of-factly) Um, that just reminds me of dogs marking their territory by peeing.


2:00 p.m.

Class: (imploringly at the Professor who refuses to stop teaching even if Time itself were to come to an end bringing about Ultimate Doom) Ma’am! It’s time… we have another class now.

Professor: (looking at us after coming out of her picture-book-induced reverie) Ummmnh? What? Bell rang? Hmmm?

Class: Yes Ma’am, we heard the bell. It rang just now.

Professor: Oh so your ears are tuned to the bell however silent it is.

LD: (turning to DM again) So is that a bad thing? (Looks disgustedly at the Professor) We are punctual people, unlike you.


2:05 p.m.

Miss Minnie Mouse, had hitherto been to LD’s right, “holding it in” and also under the false impression that the next class was to be in another room, (an assumption probably pee-induced).

MMM: (to LD) Listen. I need to go to the toilet. Take my bag with you.

LD: Um, I’d like to go with you. (Pausing) I mean, till the outside and then go in once you’re done and you come out.

PB: (another classmate, sitting next to MMM, laughing) That was very specific.

LD: Yes, just to clear the air.


Honestly, the fact that a conversation gets posted after ages shows just how scarce humour has been in these recession-hit times. And I suppose the fact that I found out that today is “Chocolate Day” according to card-companies who want to make money to beat the recession blues after I reached college and also that my classmates were in the final stages of their insatiable craving for the said chocolate also helped. And I didn’t get any chocolate today. *BIG SNEEEEF* Which obviously is totally irrelevant in this context.

Oh well, we’re all back to hilarity now and toilet humour, of course. Can’t leave that out!

Something to Think About

On some days a thought coming from an unexpected source can just strike you gently and leave you with a raised eyebrow and a smile. Today, while returning home from college, I was waiting inside an auto when I happened to become the silent observer of a rather interesting conversation between the auto-wallas.

One of them was trying to get some money out of the person driving the auto I was in, however, he replied saying that he had none to dish out as he had just paid his daughter's school fees. Another auto-walla soon joined the conversation and asked him if his daughter was in an English medium school. When the man replied in the negative, the latter told him that he should put his children in English medium schools if they are to make something of themselves. His spoke with great conviction when he said that it filled him with pride to hear his child speak in English when he himself could not.

Now I found the thought extremely heartening, not because I feel that fluency in English alone is enough for success... Frankly, I know plenty of people who speak incorrect English with much fluency and confidence and get away with murder (figuratively speaking, of course). And neither do I believe that those who study in institutions where English is not the teaching medium are any less capable than English-speakers. However, I'd rather like to think of it as a parent wanting to ensure that the next generation receives the benefit of a good education and all the advantages that it can provide even if the previous one hadn't. And it is a very encouraging sign that people who haven't had certain opportunities in life want their children, and this includes their daughters, to be educated so that they have a better life.

One of the gravest problems apart from poverty that plagues the country is ignorance. And this very ignorance leads to so much more poverty and exploitation. I would have to continue considerably if I were to talk about how these are inter-related. The saddest part is that so many are resistant to any changes that would look towards ameliorating this. Now if there are indeed people who are willing to take steps that would, in whatever small way, lead to the light, then it is to be taken as a beacon of hope. And yes, I'd like to hope that there are more people out there who are willing to take positive and progressive steps towards betterment and those who see their sons and daughters in the same light, something that is still lacking even amongst the educated.

Monotony

Date: 28.01.2009
Time: 11:55 p.m.

O monotonous wind, embrace me not with your sullen gusts
I would take the sweeping temerity of a gale
To the dull breeze idling over an ordinary day
Shake up my world and blow me across the seas
But kill me not by entrapment in ease,
Stir me into running when I've only walked for days
Kiss my brow with a dusty whirlwind of speed
That leaves me stunned in its sultry haze
Beat my body into submission by your might
Make me surrender my will in defeated delight,
I only ask that you be free, truer to your nature
And capture my heart as you would a flighty creature
Sing to me with voices carried from horizons of yore
Breathe yourself as I inhale the scent of rebellion
Arising from the need to quell the monotony of ages.

End: 00:15 a.m.

Lingering Lizard

Date: 26.01.2009
Time: 9:40 p.m.

The lizard crawling up my door
Was one I hadn’t seen before
Its dreadfully disgusting sight
Gave me quite the jolt last night
As I watched it move its sick small head
While I was on my way to bed
Almost about to fall asleep
Only to lose the urge for slumber deep.

That awful lizard was back today
Much to my distress and dismay
Creeping stealthily down a wall
Hoping that I wouldn’t notice its crawl
And the fact that it’s invaded my room
Disrupted peace and inflicted gloom,
I live in terror of finding it land
With one fine jump upon my hand
Shoulder, foot or worse, my face
To leap away with unholy grace
Even before it was put in place
By one good smack from a spectacle case.

It hides behind my wall clock now
Peering out now and then to bow
And nod its head most mockingly
To rudely appal most shockingly
I am almost tempted to camp outside
The thought, however, wounds my pride
And so I shall remain to fight
Until this insidious creature takes flight.

End: 10:10 p.m.